/me pulls a Garret.

I hate my life. I really do.

Not my life. Not all of it. Just the icky parts that deal with this fucked up thing I'm supposed to call a "home"

Ick.

I don't think mumsy darling knows what nice and or civil are.

So i'm sitting here part baked, part drunk right now, just wanting things to end. I want to graduate tomorrow. I want to get the fuck out of here like now. I want to just leave and put this all behind me. But I can't. Not at least until I get my ass out of HS. I need to graduate. I need to get my ass to college. and then I'll go and make something of my life and when she runs herself out onto the street I'm not going to give her a single cent of anything.

I don't care if she winds up out on the street dying of the cold. Serves her right for not, oh, i don't know, paying the bills? We make plenty for her to pay the bills. Just not enough for her to pay the bills and get all the crap she wants too. And then she tries to blame me, say that she spends it all on me. I'm the one that's always going "Well, I want this, but do we have the money for it?" And she goes out of her way to say we do. Then when we can't pay the bills she blames me.

Then she accuses me of loosing my cell phone and she refuses to stop screaming at me. I did nothing wrong. I put my phone upstairs, got baked and forgot where upstairs I put it. I would've found it before tomorrow.

And she accuses me of not doing well in school. Hmmm...maybe it's because she rides my ass so hard about it? If she wasn't such a bitch, maybe I would do better because I'd actually have motivation. Only thing I'm motivated to do is get baked. I want to be a fuck up, just to spite her and go "fuck you" But it's better to spit her by mkaing it, being rich and famous and leaving her out. Her dear darling that was raised to make her live a happy and content life when I got rich is going to cut her out.

I'm turning 18 and disowning myself. I can't stand it. I'm turning 18 and cutting her out of my life. Her and deirdre. I don't need them. Family. What a fucked up idea.

I don't know why but I feel like an apathetic shit today. Like the way I used to feel.

I keep trying to forget about the way that I used to be and I wonder if that's a good thing or not. I went over and looked at some of my old stuff on FictionPress. Maybe I should just accept it and move on and stop trying to hide the fact that I was a whiny little bitch.

I went back and looked over my old blog. And what crap it was. And how much my life sucked back then. It was all of 4 months. May through august. Four months of what I thought was great but looking back on it I was just so wrapped up in the world of wanna be teen angst that I sucked at life.

I can say all those kids who say that they want to die should because I used to be one of them. I went back and reread my old blog. I had to stop. Because I realized that I sounded like just another idiot who's madly in love with some idiot who they're never going to get, and wanting to kill myself over it, with a friend who kept dragging me down further and furhter and further.

Russ tried to get me to talk to her again, but I won't. Because I refuse to let my life go down that same path that it did. It's three years old, it's not applicable anymore, I've changed a lot since then. For the better. I've become more sure of myself, more self confident, every bit as arrogant but now I'm not a whiny arrogant, now I'm more of a "fuck you, if you don't like me deal." not "I'm better than you are love me please? Please won't you love me? I don't need your love, I'm too good for your love, but you should love me."

But I'm not that person anymore. You ask me what my deepest fear is? Becoming that person again. Becoming what I was, allowing myself to get dragged into the whole "it's cool to be goth and want to cut yourself and cry in your room all alone and paint your face white, your nails black and act as weird as you can making people shun you because people suck."

No, now I just am who I am. I don't try to be anything. Sure, am I scared as fuck in social situations of looking like an idiot, yeah, but I try to forget about that. Get me drunk or stoned and I'm the life of the party. Give me some benzos and I'm fine. I need them, I think. I seriously think I have social anxiety disorder. I get so freaked in public. But that requires me going to a shrink. Which means me revealing the whole sordid past.

It's why I want to change my name, if they ever get wind of what I used to be, any career I have would be ruined. Knowing them they'd prolly dig out TC too to go "oh, she was such a pathetic kid." I saw him the other day, I never realized how ugly he was. He is. He's ugly. He's got Miguel's nose but none of his charm. He just doesn't have it.

Bill, now Bill has IT. He walks in and your eyes snap to him. You sense him before you see him and when he walks your eyes just follow him of their own regard. He commands the space that he's in. But he's like a dad to me, almost. Rich is more like that, I don't know why but I feel safe around Rich, as if I could tell him anything. Kinda funny, right? He's just this random dude who's an AHM who's old and ugly and lives god knows where, but something about him feels safe. As if I could turn to him if I needed somehting and he'd be willing to help. But yet, I wouldn't do that. I just know that I could.

Bill, not so much so. Bill is just like Sir. I wouldn't be surprised in the least if Bill was into the kinky stuff. He just commands such a presence, I have expect him to come in with a riding crop. But I don't feel as safe around him. I feel safe around Rich, and around Nancy. I feel safe and at home in McCarter, the world is right for however long I'm there. I'm like the phantom of the opera, only the phantom of Mccarter, I'd live there if I could.

I'm going to intern. I have to. I just feel so at home there. It doesn't matter if I hate what I'm seeing, I still love being there. I love being in the place. It just feels like home. I feel safe there. It's why I don't want mom to usher with me. It'll break the safe feeling. I won't feel safe there anymore. I don't want to be anywhere she is. Mccarter is my escape from her. For at least three hours I'm free from her and have something else to focus on.

But all good things must come to an end. And I go home. Back to hell. Back to counting the days until I'm free. Back to waiting for each agonizing day to pass getting me one day closer to college. Getting me one day closer to freedom. Every morning I wake up and wonder if I'll have the guts to get away early, get away that day. And every day I decide that I don't.

I have 140 dollars. That's not enough. That'll last me three days. I don't care though. I spend each day wondernig if she'll finally do something to push me away for good. I wake up and wonder if today will be the day when I leave and make NYC my place of inhabitance. go up there, finish up HS, go to college, make something of myself.

Go up there, give in and become a crackwhore.

Go up there and forget about everything.

Go up there and go on a self-destructive binge that destroys me and winds up with me finallly dead in a gutter somewhere to be buried in a potter's field, unnoticed.

Go up there and one up her by making something of myself and going "I never needed you and your manipulative ways."

No one knows what it's like. I don't tell anyone because I don't want them to know, I don't want their sympathy. Sympathy sucks. I just want to be normal. But I've never had that and never will. So I just try to make things as normal as possible. It's why Helen grates on me. She's so-normal. She's all "Why do you have a TV, doesn't that take away from family time?"

What am I supposed to tell her, that "family time" consists of the two of us screaming at each other? that we can't hold a civil conversation? that the less we speak the better it is for all of us? And don't get me started on deirdre. I just want to disown myself. The only reason I wouldn't is for my inheritance. But I can live without that. I don't want to be associated with these people. I'm not supposed to be related to them.

it's just a trial. That which does not kill us makes us stronger right? I come from this horrible past so that I can make something of myself later on down the line. It's preparing me for the real world. I'm going to be big. If I can survive this, I can survive life. If I can survive everything, I can certainly survive the real world.

And I won't do it being the person I was before. That person scares me. I'm afraid of them.

There was one thing that I liked from my old one, from the person I was before. And that was a description on love.

"Love is patient, love is kind. Love is being able to give your life for someone. Love is feeling safe whenever you're around someone. Love is being insanely jealous. Love is when somone invades your every thought. Love is when you do something, and you picture them doing that exact same thing. Love is when you can picture being happy going grocery shopping, if you're going grocery shopping with him. Love is the ability to turn the mundane to the extrodinary with the mere thought of him. Love is when you see hearts all around you. Love is when with every single breath you take, you say their name. Love is lying awake on a lonely moonlit night wanting them beside you. Love is when you spend every minute thinking about them. Love is coming up with silly love songs. Love makes life worthwhile. Love is waking up each morning with a purpose. Love is everything its cracked up to be. But most of all, Love is being able to find their faults and laugh about them, because it proves that they're human, and let's face it, we're all human."

It's prettyful.

But the context it was written in. I was this idiot. An idiot. Like past Slokum in Diary of the Unrequited. I was this fucked up child. I was so...warped. I let someone else fuck up my life. I'm not that person. I'm not. Somewhere that august I changed...somewhere right around when the shit hit the fan I realized that I didn't want to be that person. That I hated that person. That that person wasn't me, it was a shell of me, a ghost of what I really was. That it was a part of me that I had allowed to take over even though I hated it.

And I've fought it off.

The only thing that remains is an affinity for older guys. I can't help it that I want a guy with a few miles on him and a story to tell. Give me Miguel over JOC any day. Eric Bana. Even Orlando Bloom to an extent. I have a thing for the rugged look.

Or the heroin chic one.

My dream guy is one who'll keep me in drugs-but neither of us are addicts. My dream guy is this older rugged guy who has it all and doesn't care, doesn't rub it in my face, is still young and energetic-just has a few miles on him and a few stories in him-he can be 22 and like that or 52 and like that.

But I don't like a bland boring pretty boy who can't count past 20 and thinks his looks will get him anywhere and everywhere, and if his looks cant his trust fund can. Give me a REAL man any day.

And I came to another realization. I've been into bondage and BDSM since I was like too small to even know what sex was. I was thinking about it and remembered fantasizing about being tied out spreadeagled, naked and raped, waiting for my prince charming to rescue me. But the rape part was the most important part. Giving myself into that pleasure where it's impossible to do anything but take it and come. That's what I want in sex.

I want a good dom. I want to model for hogtied because I want to be dominated like that. 400$ is a good deal for it. 400$ for my ultimate fantasy? Hell, I'll take the cash, I'd do it for free. Although I still find it amusing that I'm writing Sir's point of view and Deb's writing Pets, if anything you'd think the roles would be reversed and I'd be writing Pet, because I want to be in Pet's place. I fantasize about being in Pet's place with Garret flogging me and fucking me and pushing me over the edge wtih pleasure.

I need a boyfriend. I really do. But I'm stuck being the chubby plain chick who's a little out there and can't get a boy as much as I want one. I thnk that's another part of why I want to be a crackwhore, at least then I'll have sex at all. Hell, I sucked dave off on the second date because I wanted that much action. Don't tell anyone though, he creeped me out. He was to me what I was to TC. Well, not that bad, but if I had given him the chance he would have been.

I like the high school so much better than the middle school, there's no teach to be like Tim to tempt me. Haltmeier comes the closest, but h-meier's been an ass this year, he's been a little crazy and a little, well, lets just say I wouldn't be surprised if him and his wife are having marital difficulties. Or something's gone wrong in his life, aside from the realization that he's not going to make it as a musician.

But the thing that concerns me is up in the city-his pupils were like nonexistent-despite it being fairly dark in the theater, and he kept shifting aroudn all the time. I don't know if thats just me wanting him to be a druggie or if it's true. If it is, it explains a lot. I think it would definitly make for a good fic. He's becoming more and more like the character he inspired.

Harbs, well, I miss Harbs. He was a good guy.

But H-meier, he's changed. And not for the better. Although the way that I could swear he was having an affair with Randall has died down a bit...either that or they've gotten more sly about it. They're not nearly as obvious, if there even is anything going on between them.

I wnat to go into Trenton and get a hookup. But I'm afraid to as well. A little white girl in the middle of the ghetto looking for drugs. Alone. That's screaming rape me. I'll see if shawn can get me anything. I'll talk to him after math one day. Ask him if he can get anything aside from weed. See what I can spend my xmas money on. I want something great...I want something to put me into bliss for a bit.

But that requires me waiting. Maybe i'll txt louie later, Like tomorrow, see if he can get me hooked up with more.

it's funny, I read ahead in my chem book just to figure out how exactly drugs are put together. 3,4-methylenedioxymethamphetamine is this cool complex molecule and if I can figure out what a methamphetamine radical is supposed to look like I can draw one. even just an amphetamine radical.

It's cool how chemistry has some real uses. I think I'll major in chemistry, I really like it, and minor in something to do with theater. Come back and intern in theater management in McCarter and see which I like more.

Or I can give in. Part of me just keep screaming to give in and succumb and become a strung out little ho, but I don't want to be that. Yet it's days like today when I do. When I all i want to do is get fucked up and forget about the world, forget about what a shit posistion I'm in. Forget about how much things suck for me, and stop thinking positive.

But they will. They have to. They certainly can't get any worse.

You know what is one of the most annoying feelings ever? When you have a fic inside of you wanting to be torn out of you, but it won't come out. It just sits inside of you stewing and making you want to write it, but you can't. you can't, you just sit and stare at a blank screen, unable to do anything to write it.

It makes you feel like fucking shit.

I was listening to Johnny Cash's version of Hurt and it just made me choke up and want to write a fic. I think Garret likes that song. He does.

He also likes Straylight Run.

A lot.

Passed out on the overpass
Sunday best and broken glass
Broken down from the bikes and bars
Suspended like spirits over speeding cars
You and me we're kings over the parkway tonight
And tonight will go on forever while we
walk around this town like we own the streets
and stay awake through summer like we own the heat
Singing "everybody wake up (wake up) it's time to get down"
(everybody, everybody wake up it's time to get down)
And when I pass the bottle back to Pete
on the overpass tonight, I bet we laugh

I'm gonna stay eighteen forever (cut me open)
So we can stay like this forever (sun poisoned)
And we'll never miss a party (this offer...)
cause we keep them going constantly (...stands forever)
And we'll never have to listen (new haircut)
to anyone about anything (new bracelet)
cause it's all been done and its all been said (eyeliner)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get

The hell out of this town
Find some conversation
The low fuel lights been on for days
It doesn't mean anything
I've got another 500, 'nother 500 miles
before we shut this engine down,
we shut it down

I'm gonna stay eighteen forever (cut me open)
So we can stay like this forever (sun poisoned)
And we'll never miss a party (this offer...)
cause we keep them going constantly (...stands forever)
And we'll never have to listen (new haircut)
to anyone about anything (new bracelet)
cause its all been done and its all been said (eyeliner)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get (wait forever)

(you're just jealous cause I'm young and in love)
Eighteen forever (first kisses)
(your stomach's filled up but you're starved for conversation)
So we can stay like this forever (new stitches)
(you're spending all your nights growing old in your bed)
And we'll never miss a party (collar weekend)
(and your tearin up your photos cause you wanna forget... it's over)
cause we keep them going constantly (appearance ticket)
(you're just jealous cause I'm young and in love)
And we'll never have to listen (November to...)
(your stomach's filled up but you're starved for conversation)
to anyone about anything cause it's all been done (...remember)
(you're spending all your nights growing old in your bed)
and it's all been said (nightswimmers)
(and your tearin up your photos cause you wanna forget... it's over)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get

Just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause [turntable scratch]


I'm an emokid today.

Mood: Emo.

Dear Diary

I'm on blogger because I'm too cool for livejournal. LJ's are where all the whiny emokids post. Bloggers are for cool people because blogs rock. Everyone loves a blog.

I'm an emokid.

Emo is fun. I love emo. I really do.

I want a fanbase.

I can see why christmas is the season of suicide. i really do.

You're all alone with no friends, no family.

What is christmas but a time for paying bills without any money?

An 80$ christmas tree. That is going right back to treasure island. Why? Because we don't have 80$.

She doesn't have 80$.

I have it. But I don't give her my hard-earned money. That's for me. So I can get my ass out of here. That's for me to get out of this hellhole and away from her. That's my escape money.

I'll occasionally spend it on escapes of the moment, things to give me a temporary reprieve from life here.

But I don't care about a damn christmas tree. I don't care about the damn holiday.

Yes, I cry when Scrooge takes Tiny Tim on his knee and gives him the music box every single time I see A Christmas Carol and does the whole "and now when you hear this song it can be Christmas whenever you want." But in reality, I like Scrooge better as an old curmudgeon. Because I'm just like him.

I don't care if I wind up bound in chains and under eternal lock and key.

People suck.

And they should die.

Better that I'm homicidal than suicidal. I suppose. Maybe. Not really.

The only thing that stops me from killing myself is sheer spite. hate the world and i wnt to laugh and it and go "Fuck you, you can't keep me down you cant make me kill myself.

That's the only thing that keeps me going.

Fuck the world.

Bah. Humbug.

At least scrooge had marley. Scrooge and Marley were SO slashy. Seriously. Look at them.

You know what's really fucking annoying?

When you're waiting for an email and it seems every email but the one you want comes in.

that's really damn annoying.

And the GArret in my head is really damn annoying.

He's busy being cold and heartless and it sucks because all he wants to do is pick fights with people.

He's having a fist fight with my brain right now. from the throbbing in it, I'd say he's winning but my mind is putting up a pretty damn good fight.

Right, here's a little fifteen minute excerise type thing, free think type thing...cause I have to go to mccarter in 15 minutes.

it' funny how life fucks us over sometimes. You just think that your life is going well, going swell until that one point whe you realize that life was just using you like a pawn, like a tool. You have no choice but to just sit there letting life do whatever it wants to you, letting life and fate and destiny rape you over and over again.

It's just this incessant pounding into you, fucking you up the ass. Because whenever life actually does something good and makes you feel happy it suddenly pulls away. It's a cruel lover. It'll bring you right to the edge, right when you think you're finally going to cum and then pull away leaving you with blue balls, aching, dying, begging for your release.

That's what life is, life is just plain evil. It'll suck you in with it's promises, it's kind words, it's wonderful dreams, and it'll bring you down, crashing and burning hard. It just stands there laughing at you and what an idiot you were to believe everything that it said.

That's what life is. Life is the cruel master and you're left to be it's servant, it's pet. You're left to do whatever it wishes while it ties you down and beats you, whipping you, torturing you, killing you without ever pulling the rug completely out from beneath your feet. Just when you think you're going to die and you're starting to like that idea you find yourself sudennly better.

And makes you want to believe in life again, makes you want to enjoy it, the winters turn to spring turn to summer and things are right, birds are singing, sun is shining. And then suddenly summer's turning to fall turning to winter and the sun is replaced by bleak dismal grey. Light is replaced by dark.

Life takes away those thigns that keep you going and turn you dark as well. Life takes away all those good things and stands there, mocking and teasing and laughing at you for being another poor little weakling that believed in it. Until it gives you no choice to be as cold and as cynical as it is. It forces you to be as evil as it is or die because of it. The cold live forever because they have nothing left for life to take away.

Brokeback mountain opens Friday.

I can't wait.

It's every slashers dream.

I failed a french test today.:(I suck at french, I love it, but I'm horrible at it.

Did well on a chem test though.

ok, five minutes of pure stream of conciousness

so this is just stream of conciousness whatever I say and whatever comes to mind just oours out to give me an idea of what to write next, its just a fun excerise right thats all it is, I'm going to prentend like I'm not afraid what comes out of my mind i dont care about spelling or grammar so if it isuck and yo cant read it sorry my bad but its nothing really it s not ii dont know if this makes nay sense wether, i don think it's supposed to its just stream of conociousness stuff to write and write and write and possibly inspire me. stuff about garret thats waht it my head right now. garret lots and lots of thoughts of a hot naked garet screweing someone. namely me. I love miguel that man is too damn exy. I keep having this dream where I meet one of Lori's two sons on a ski trip and wel fall in love and i found out that he's miguel's stepson but I dont care it just winds up awsome that I'm dating a relative of my favorite actor caust ats cool sucool is boring so here i am doing everything i can i heart song lyrics i'm ocd about them sometimes, i are, i am i mean, something like that that canthink of right now thosea re nice boots wow some of this stuff is really random isn't it, it's like I'm tripped out when really i'm coiming down offof my high i likeadam but i dont want to date him, i dont want him to come to toJersey and yet i do, he's differeten, he's fun, he's dangerous, he's spunky, he's going to be a fun fling but I'm almost afraid to get inolved with him, no small part of that is because he's almost family to Debbie, and that's just really weird when you wind up banging your friend's almost-something.

So it's been five minutes, but I'm going to keep rambling ause this is fun, this is easy. whatpulse bosting, that's what this is. I'm listening to goldfinger, I like goldfinger. Forget regret or life i yours to mis theres no way out theres no other way no day but today. i want allan's no day but today tatoo, that's cool, I like it a lot. I want all of alan's tatoos except the bear, I like thes ginifcance, i just don't like the tatoo.

I love the first time you open a thing of ice cream and it's all light and airy and good and then when you close it up it refreezes all icky. Blah, i hate that.

i wish it would snow

i really do. I wihs it would snow.

Robert Browning is my new favorite poet.

my hands are all fucked up.

I warned you this would be random.

this is some raw shit right here. this iscrazy insane motherfucking shit right here. A real psychopath. Seriously, I'm a crazy bitch. At least that's what they all say. I know I'm a little different, a little off, but it's not like I'm a serial killer. because I don't want to go to jail. I don't want to kill another human being because I know that if I do, I'll never be able to stop.

I'll wind up like psychogarret.

I had another dream too. Not the one about Alex selling me a brick of coke, that was an interesting dream. IT was me and Alex and sarah and somoene else that I don't remember in mom's office and she offers to sell me a brick of coke and I buy it and I snort it all right there, but don't od.

it's werid.

But the other dream I have is that the book I write about Alan gets turned into a movie and Allan Arkush produces it and I give him full control, but he'll be really cool about it. he seems like a really cool guy, I like him a lot. He's awesome. I keep thinking it would be great if he knew mom, they did grow up just missing each other pretty much, Ft. Lee, etc.

I don't want to be the responsible one.

I don't want to be the one who makes sure taxes get paid. I don't want to be the one who has to remind mom that hit and runs aren't good.

We don't have the money for a ticket.

:(

I'm ready to leave.

I just want things to go bad and leave to get the fuck away from here.

I only have one dream, and that's to get the fuck away from here. Yeah, I want to be a writer, I want to make it and have a big life and live the hollywood way, cocaine and glitz, but I'll be happy enough to just get the fuck away from my mother and the way that she's like...

Well, bipolar runs in the family. Jeannie, and I think she's got it too. And she's stopped taking her paxil cause it's no longer covered under aetna. So she's worset han usual. She's more of a bitch than usual. She used to be somewhat decent after when she was on it. Now it's just like, I can't wait til I can get out of here.

there are 525600 minutes in a year

whatever that is times one and a half.

A year and a half before I'm gone. Not even until I'm 18, once I graduate. I'm leaving, getting a job and then working my way through colelge. I don't care what it takes, but I'm leaving as soon as I can.

If i could leave now, I would. If I could get out now, I would. But I'm not going to sacrifice my education because she's a bitch. Because the only way to one up your parents is to outearn them, out live them, and know more.

That's my motto now. I keep telling myself that every damn day.

I want to run away with Adam and Jason now though. Part of me wants to run off to Mexico or wherever the fuck they're going and just forget about all this, and just forget about school. I don't want to learn.

I want to be a crackwhore and forget about responsibility.

I don't want to be the responsible one. I hate being the responsible one.

I'm just a kid. I want to be a fucking kid.

But I never got the chance. I never got to be a fucking kid. I've always had to be the something. I've either been the scapegoat, or the respnosible one. I just want to be a drugged out kid. I just want to live the hollywood life, sex drugs and rock and roll.