Snarky

2006-01-19T19:08:00.000-08:00

/me pulls a Garret.

I hate my life. I really do.

Not my life. Not all of it. Just the icky parts that deal with this fucked up thing I'm supposed to call a "home"

Ick.

I don't think mumsy darling knows what nice and or civil are.

So i'm sitting here part baked, part drunk right now, just wanting things to end. I want to graduate tomorrow. I want to get the fuck out of here like now. I want to just leave and put this all behind me. But I can't. Not at least until I get my ass out of HS. I need to graduate. I need to get my ass to college. and then I'll go and make something of my life and when she runs herself out onto the street I'm not going to give her a single cent of anything.

I don't care if she winds up out on the street dying of the cold. Serves her right for not, oh, i don't know, paying the bills? We make plenty for her to pay the bills. Just not enough for her to pay the bills and get all the crap she wants too. And then she tries to blame me, say that she spends it all on me. I'm the one that's always going "Well, I want this, but do we have the money for it?" And she goes out of her way to say we do. Then when we can't pay the bills she blames me.

Then she accuses me of loosing my cell phone and she refuses to stop screaming at me. I did nothing wrong. I put my phone upstairs, got baked and forgot where upstairs I put it. I would've found it before tomorrow.

And she accuses me of not doing well in school. Hmmm...maybe it's because she rides my ass so hard about it? If she wasn't such a bitch, maybe I would do better because I'd actually have motivation. Only thing I'm motivated to do is get baked. I want to be a fuck up, just to spite her and go "fuck you" But it's better to spit her by mkaing it, being rich and famous and leaving her out. Her dear darling that was raised to make her live a happy and content life when I got rich is going to cut her out.

I'm turning 18 and disowning myself. I can't stand it. I'm turning 18 and cutting her out of my life. Her and deirdre. I don't need them. Family. What a fucked up idea.

2005-12-25T20:54:00.000-08:00

I don't know why but I feel like an apathetic shit today. Like the way I used to feel.

I keep trying to forget about the way that I used to be and I wonder if that's a good thing or not. I went over and looked at some of my old stuff on FictionPress. Maybe I should just accept it and move on and stop trying to hide the fact that I was a whiny little bitch.

I went back and looked over my old blog. And what crap it was. And how much my life sucked back then. It was all of 4 months. May through august. Four months of what I thought was great but looking back on it I was just so wrapped up in the world of wanna be teen angst that I sucked at life.

I can say all those kids who say that they want to die should because I used to be one of them. I went back and reread my old blog. I had to stop. Because I realized that I sounded like just another idiot who's madly in love with some idiot who they're never going to get, and wanting to kill myself over it, with a friend who kept dragging me down further and furhter and further.

Russ tried to get me to talk to her again, but I won't. Because I refuse to let my life go down that same path that it did. It's three years old, it's not applicable anymore, I've changed a lot since then. For the better. I've become more sure of myself, more self confident, every bit as arrogant but now I'm not a whiny arrogant, now I'm more of a "fuck you, if you don't like me deal." not "I'm better than you are love me please? Please won't you love me? I don't need your love, I'm too good for your love, but you should love me."

But I'm not that person anymore. You ask me what my deepest fear is? Becoming that person again. Becoming what I was, allowing myself to get dragged into the whole "it's cool to be goth and want to cut yourself and cry in your room all alone and paint your face white, your nails black and act as weird as you can making people shun you because people suck."

No, now I just am who I am. I don't try to be anything. Sure, am I scared as fuck in social situations of looking like an idiot, yeah, but I try to forget about that. Get me drunk or stoned and I'm the life of the party. Give me some benzos and I'm fine. I need them, I think. I seriously think I have social anxiety disorder. I get so freaked in public. But that requires me going to a shrink. Which means me revealing the whole sordid past.

It's why I want to change my name, if they ever get wind of what I used to be, any career I have would be ruined. Knowing them they'd prolly dig out TC too to go "oh, she was such a pathetic kid." I saw him the other day, I never realized how ugly he was. He is. He's ugly. He's got Miguel's nose but none of his charm. He just doesn't have it.

Bill, now Bill has IT. He walks in and your eyes snap to him. You sense him before you see him and when he walks your eyes just follow him of their own regard. He commands the space that he's in. But he's like a dad to me, almost. Rich is more like that, I don't know why but I feel safe around Rich, as if I could tell him anything. Kinda funny, right? He's just this random dude who's an AHM who's old and ugly and lives god knows where, but something about him feels safe. As if I could turn to him if I needed somehting and he'd be willing to help. But yet, I wouldn't do that. I just know that I could.

Bill, not so much so. Bill is just like Sir. I wouldn't be surprised in the least if Bill was into the kinky stuff. He just commands such a presence, I have expect him to come in with a riding crop. But I don't feel as safe around him. I feel safe around Rich, and around Nancy. I feel safe and at home in McCarter, the world is right for however long I'm there. I'm like the phantom of the opera, only the phantom of Mccarter, I'd live there if I could.

I'm going to intern. I have to. I just feel so at home there. It doesn't matter if I hate what I'm seeing, I still love being there. I love being in the place. It just feels like home. I feel safe there. It's why I don't want mom to usher with me. It'll break the safe feeling. I won't feel safe there anymore. I don't want to be anywhere she is. Mccarter is my escape from her. For at least three hours I'm free from her and have something else to focus on.

But all good things must come to an end. And I go home. Back to hell. Back to counting the days until I'm free. Back to waiting for each agonizing day to pass getting me one day closer to college. Getting me one day closer to freedom. Every morning I wake up and wonder if I'll have the guts to get away early, get away that day. And every day I decide that I don't.

I have 140 dollars. That's not enough. That'll last me three days. I don't care though. I spend each day wondernig if she'll finally do something to push me away for good. I wake up and wonder if today will be the day when I leave and make NYC my place of inhabitance. go up there, finish up HS, go to college, make something of myself.

Go up there, give in and become a crackwhore.

Go up there and forget about everything.

Go up there and go on a self-destructive binge that destroys me and winds up with me finallly dead in a gutter somewhere to be buried in a potter's field, unnoticed.

Go up there and one up her by making something of myself and going "I never needed you and your manipulative ways."

No one knows what it's like. I don't tell anyone because I don't want them to know, I don't want their sympathy. Sympathy sucks. I just want to be normal. But I've never had that and never will. So I just try to make things as normal as possible. It's why Helen grates on me. She's so-normal. She's all "Why do you have a TV, doesn't that take away from family time?"

What am I supposed to tell her, that "family time" consists of the two of us screaming at each other? that we can't hold a civil conversation? that the less we speak the better it is for all of us? And don't get me started on deirdre. I just want to disown myself. The only reason I wouldn't is for my inheritance. But I can live without that. I don't want to be associated with these people. I'm not supposed to be related to them.

it's just a trial. That which does not kill us makes us stronger right? I come from this horrible past so that I can make something of myself later on down the line. It's preparing me for the real world. I'm going to be big. If I can survive this, I can survive life. If I can survive everything, I can certainly survive the real world.

And I won't do it being the person I was before. That person scares me. I'm afraid of them.

There was one thing that I liked from my old one, from the person I was before. And that was a description on love.

"Love is patient, love is kind. Love is being able to give your life for someone. Love is feeling safe whenever you're around someone. Love is being insanely jealous. Love is when somone invades your every thought. Love is when you do something, and you picture them doing that exact same thing. Love is when you can picture being happy going grocery shopping, if you're going grocery shopping with him. Love is the ability to turn the mundane to the extrodinary with the mere thought of him. Love is when you see hearts all around you. Love is when with every single breath you take, you say their name. Love is lying awake on a lonely moonlit night wanting them beside you. Love is when you spend every minute thinking about them. Love is coming up with silly love songs. Love makes life worthwhile. Love is waking up each morning with a purpose. Love is everything its cracked up to be. But most of all, Love is being able to find their faults and laugh about them, because it proves that they're human, and let's face it, we're all human."

It's prettyful.

But the context it was written in. I was this idiot. An idiot. Like past Slokum in Diary of the Unrequited. I was this fucked up child. I was so...warped. I let someone else fuck up my life. I'm not that person. I'm not. Somewhere that august I changed...somewhere right around when the shit hit the fan I realized that I didn't want to be that person. That I hated that person. That that person wasn't me, it was a shell of me, a ghost of what I really was. That it was a part of me that I had allowed to take over even though I hated it.

And I've fought it off.

The only thing that remains is an affinity for older guys. I can't help it that I want a guy with a few miles on him and a story to tell. Give me Miguel over JOC any day. Eric Bana. Even Orlando Bloom to an extent. I have a thing for the rugged look.

Or the heroin chic one.

My dream guy is one who'll keep me in drugs-but neither of us are addicts. My dream guy is this older rugged guy who has it all and doesn't care, doesn't rub it in my face, is still young and energetic-just has a few miles on him and a few stories in him-he can be 22 and like that or 52 and like that.

But I don't like a bland boring pretty boy who can't count past 20 and thinks his looks will get him anywhere and everywhere, and if his looks cant his trust fund can. Give me a REAL man any day.

And I came to another realization. I've been into bondage and BDSM since I was like too small to even know what sex was. I was thinking about it and remembered fantasizing about being tied out spreadeagled, naked and raped, waiting for my prince charming to rescue me. But the rape part was the most important part. Giving myself into that pleasure where it's impossible to do anything but take it and come. That's what I want in sex.

I want a good dom. I want to model for hogtied because I want to be dominated like that. 400$ is a good deal for it. 400$ for my ultimate fantasy? Hell, I'll take the cash, I'd do it for free. Although I still find it amusing that I'm writing Sir's point of view and Deb's writing Pets, if anything you'd think the roles would be reversed and I'd be writing Pet, because I want to be in Pet's place. I fantasize about being in Pet's place with Garret flogging me and fucking me and pushing me over the edge wtih pleasure.

I need a boyfriend. I really do. But I'm stuck being the chubby plain chick who's a little out there and can't get a boy as much as I want one. I thnk that's another part of why I want to be a crackwhore, at least then I'll have sex at all. Hell, I sucked dave off on the second date because I wanted that much action. Don't tell anyone though, he creeped me out. He was to me what I was to TC. Well, not that bad, but if I had given him the chance he would have been.

I like the high school so much better than the middle school, there's no teach to be like Tim to tempt me. Haltmeier comes the closest, but h-meier's been an ass this year, he's been a little crazy and a little, well, lets just say I wouldn't be surprised if him and his wife are having marital difficulties. Or something's gone wrong in his life, aside from the realization that he's not going to make it as a musician.

But the thing that concerns me is up in the city-his pupils were like nonexistent-despite it being fairly dark in the theater, and he kept shifting aroudn all the time. I don't know if thats just me wanting him to be a druggie or if it's true. If it is, it explains a lot. I think it would definitly make for a good fic. He's becoming more and more like the character he inspired.

Harbs, well, I miss Harbs. He was a good guy.

But H-meier, he's changed. And not for the better. Although the way that I could swear he was having an affair with Randall has died down a bit...either that or they've gotten more sly about it. They're not nearly as obvious, if there even is anything going on between them.

I wnat to go into Trenton and get a hookup. But I'm afraid to as well. A little white girl in the middle of the ghetto looking for drugs. Alone. That's screaming rape me. I'll see if shawn can get me anything. I'll talk to him after math one day. Ask him if he can get anything aside from weed. See what I can spend my xmas money on. I want something great...I want something to put me into bliss for a bit.

But that requires me waiting. Maybe i'll txt louie later, Like tomorrow, see if he can get me hooked up with more.

it's funny, I read ahead in my chem book just to figure out how exactly drugs are put together. 3,4-methylenedioxymethamphetamine is this cool complex molecule and if I can figure out what a methamphetamine radical is supposed to look like I can draw one. even just an amphetamine radical.

It's cool how chemistry has some real uses. I think I'll major in chemistry, I really like it, and minor in something to do with theater. Come back and intern in theater management in McCarter and see which I like more.

Or I can give in. Part of me just keep screaming to give in and succumb and become a strung out little ho, but I don't want to be that. Yet it's days like today when I do. When I all i want to do is get fucked up and forget about the world, forget about what a shit posistion I'm in. Forget about how much things suck for me, and stop thinking positive.

But they will. They have to. They certainly can't get any worse.

2005-12-25T17:21:00.000-08:00

You know what is one of the most annoying feelings ever? When you have a fic inside of you wanting to be torn out of you, but it won't come out. It just sits inside of you stewing and making you want to write it, but you can't. you can't, you just sit and stare at a blank screen, unable to do anything to write it.

It makes you feel like fucking shit.

I was listening to Johnny Cash's version of Hurt and it just made me choke up and want to write a fic. I think Garret likes that song. He does.

He also likes Straylight Run.

A lot.

2005-12-20T19:14:00.001-08:00

Passed out on the overpass
Sunday best and broken glass
Broken down from the bikes and bars
Suspended like spirits over speeding cars
You and me we're kings over the parkway tonight
And tonight will go on forever while we
walk around this town like we own the streets
and stay awake through summer like we own the heat
Singing "everybody wake up (wake up) it's time to get down"
(everybody, everybody wake up it's time to get down)
And when I pass the bottle back to Pete
on the overpass tonight, I bet we laugh

I'm gonna stay eighteen forever (cut me open)
So we can stay like this forever (sun poisoned)
And we'll never miss a party (this offer...)
cause we keep them going constantly (...stands forever)
And we'll never have to listen (new haircut)
to anyone about anything (new bracelet)
cause it's all been done and its all been said (eyeliner)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get

The hell out of this town
Find some conversation
The low fuel lights been on for days
It doesn't mean anything
I've got another 500, 'nother 500 miles
before we shut this engine down,
we shut it down

I'm gonna stay eighteen forever (cut me open)
So we can stay like this forever (sun poisoned)
And we'll never miss a party (this offer...)
cause we keep them going constantly (...stands forever)
And we'll never have to listen (new haircut)
to anyone about anything (new bracelet)
cause its all been done and its all been said (eyeliner)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get (wait forever)

(you're just jealous cause I'm young and in love)
Eighteen forever (first kisses)
(your stomach's filled up but you're starved for conversation)
So we can stay like this forever (new stitches)
(you're spending all your nights growing old in your bed)
And we'll never miss a party (collar weekend)
(and your tearin up your photos cause you wanna forget... it's over)
cause we keep them going constantly (appearance ticket)
(you're just jealous cause I'm young and in love)
And we'll never have to listen (November to...)
(your stomach's filled up but you're starved for conversation)
to anyone about anything cause it's all been done (...remember)
(you're spending all your nights growing old in your bed)
and it's all been said (nightswimmers)
(and your tearin up your photos cause you wanna forget... it's over)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get

Just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause [turntable scratch]

I'm an emokid today.

Mood: Emo.

Dear Diary

I'm on blogger because I'm too cool for livejournal. LJ's are where all the whiny emokids post. Bloggers are for cool people because blogs rock. Everyone loves a blog.

I'm an emokid.

Emo is fun. I love emo. I really do.

I want a fanbase.

2005-12-19T14:50:00.001-08:00

I can see why christmas is the season of suicide. i really do.

You're all alone with no friends, no family.

What is christmas but a time for paying bills without any money?

An 80$ christmas tree. That is going right back to treasure island. Why? Because we don't have 80$.

She doesn't have 80$.

I have it. But I don't give her my hard-earned money. That's for me. So I can get my ass out of here. That's for me to get out of this hellhole and away from her. That's my escape money.

I'll occasionally spend it on escapes of the moment, things to give me a temporary reprieve from life here.

But I don't care about a damn christmas tree. I don't care about the damn holiday.

Yes, I cry when Scrooge takes Tiny Tim on his knee and gives him the music box every single time I see A Christmas Carol and does the whole "and now when you hear this song it can be Christmas whenever you want." But in reality, I like Scrooge better as an old curmudgeon. Because I'm just like him.

I don't care if I wind up bound in chains and under eternal lock and key.

People suck.

And they should die.

Better that I'm homicidal than suicidal. I suppose. Maybe. Not really.

The only thing that stops me from killing myself is sheer spite. hate the world and i wnt to laugh and it and go "Fuck you, you can't keep me down you cant make me kill myself.

That's the only thing that keeps me going.

Fuck the world.

Bah. Humbug.

At least scrooge had marley. Scrooge and Marley were SO slashy. Seriously. Look at them.

2005-12-18T20:41:00.000-08:00

You know what's really fucking annoying?

When you're waiting for an email and it seems every email but the one you want comes in.

that's really damn annoying.

And the GArret in my head is really damn annoying.

He's busy being cold and heartless and it sucks because all he wants to do is pick fights with people.

He's having a fist fight with my brain right now. from the throbbing in it, I'd say he's winning but my mind is putting up a pretty damn good fight.

2005-12-18T12:11:00.000-08:00

Right, here's a little fifteen minute excerise type thing, free think type thing...cause I have to go to mccarter in 15 minutes.

it' funny how life fucks us over sometimes. You just think that your life is going well, going swell until that one point whe you realize that life was just using you like a pawn, like a tool. You have no choice but to just sit there letting life do whatever it wants to you, letting life and fate and destiny rape you over and over again.

It's just this incessant pounding into you, fucking you up the ass. Because whenever life actually does something good and makes you feel happy it suddenly pulls away. It's a cruel lover. It'll bring you right to the edge, right when you think you're finally going to cum and then pull away leaving you with blue balls, aching, dying, begging for your release.

That's what life is, life is just plain evil. It'll suck you in with it's promises, it's kind words, it's wonderful dreams, and it'll bring you down, crashing and burning hard. It just stands there laughing at you and what an idiot you were to believe everything that it said.

That's what life is. Life is the cruel master and you're left to be it's servant, it's pet. You're left to do whatever it wishes while it ties you down and beats you, whipping you, torturing you, killing you without ever pulling the rug completely out from beneath your feet. Just when you think you're going to die and you're starting to like that idea you find yourself sudennly better.

And makes you want to believe in life again, makes you want to enjoy it, the winters turn to spring turn to summer and things are right, birds are singing, sun is shining. And then suddenly summer's turning to fall turning to winter and the sun is replaced by bleak dismal grey. Light is replaced by dark.

Life takes away those thigns that keep you going and turn you dark as well. Life takes away all those good things and stands there, mocking and teasing and laughing at you for being another poor little weakling that believed in it. Until it gives you no choice to be as cold and as cynical as it is. It forces you to be as evil as it is or die because of it. The cold live forever because they have nothing left for life to take away.

2005-12-14T19:53:00.000-08:00

Brokeback mountain opens Friday.

I can't wait.

It's every slashers dream.

I failed a french test today.:(I suck at french, I love it, but I'm horrible at it.

Did well on a chem test though.

ok, five minutes of pure stream of conciousness

so this is just stream of conciousness whatever I say and whatever comes to mind just oours out to give me an idea of what to write next, its just a fun excerise right thats all it is, I'm going to prentend like I'm not afraid what comes out of my mind i dont care about spelling or grammar so if it isuck and yo cant read it sorry my bad but its nothing really it s not ii dont know if this makes nay sense wether, i don think it's supposed to its just stream of conociousness stuff to write and write and write and possibly inspire me. stuff about garret thats waht it my head right now. garret lots and lots of thoughts of a hot naked garet screweing someone. namely me. I love miguel that man is too damn exy. I keep having this dream where I meet one of Lori's two sons on a ski trip and wel fall in love and i found out that he's miguel's stepson but I dont care it just winds up awsome that I'm dating a relative of my favorite actor caust ats cool sucool is boring so here i am doing everything i can i heart song lyrics i'm ocd about them sometimes, i are, i am i mean, something like that that canthink of right now thosea re nice boots wow some of this stuff is really random isn't it, it's like I'm tripped out when really i'm coiming down offof my high i likeadam but i dont want to date him, i dont want him to come to toJersey and yet i do, he's differeten, he's fun, he's dangerous, he's spunky, he's going to be a fun fling but I'm almost afraid to get inolved with him, no small part of that is because he's almost family to Debbie, and that's just really weird when you wind up banging your friend's almost-something.

So it's been five minutes, but I'm going to keep rambling ause this is fun, this is easy. whatpulse bosting, that's what this is. I'm listening to goldfinger, I like goldfinger. Forget regret or life i yours to mis theres no way out theres no other way no day but today. i want allan's no day but today tatoo, that's cool, I like it a lot. I want all of alan's tatoos except the bear, I like thes ginifcance, i just don't like the tatoo.

I love the first time you open a thing of ice cream and it's all light and airy and good and then when you close it up it refreezes all icky. Blah, i hate that.

i wish it would snow

i really do. I wihs it would snow.

Robert Browning is my new favorite poet.

my hands are all fucked up.

I warned you this would be random.

this is some raw shit right here. this iscrazy insane motherfucking shit right here. A real psychopath. Seriously, I'm a crazy bitch. At least that's what they all say. I know I'm a little different, a little off, but it's not like I'm a serial killer. because I don't want to go to jail. I don't want to kill another human being because I know that if I do, I'll never be able to stop.

I'll wind up like psychogarret.

I had another dream too. Not the one about Alex selling me a brick of coke, that was an interesting dream. IT was me and Alex and sarah and somoene else that I don't remember in mom's office and she offers to sell me a brick of coke and I buy it and I snort it all right there, but don't od.

it's werid.

But the other dream I have is that the book I write about Alan gets turned into a movie and Allan Arkush produces it and I give him full control, but he'll be really cool about it. he seems like a really cool guy, I like him a lot. He's awesome. I keep thinking it would be great if he knew mom, they did grow up just missing each other pretty much, Ft. Lee, etc.

2005-12-11T21:11:00.000-08:00

I don't want to be the responsible one.

I don't want to be the one who makes sure taxes get paid. I don't want to be the one who has to remind mom that hit and runs aren't good.

We don't have the money for a ticket.

:(

I'm ready to leave.

I just want things to go bad and leave to get the fuck away from here.

I only have one dream, and that's to get the fuck away from here. Yeah, I want to be a writer, I want to make it and have a big life and live the hollywood way, cocaine and glitz, but I'll be happy enough to just get the fuck away from my mother and the way that she's like...

Well, bipolar runs in the family. Jeannie, and I think she's got it too. And she's stopped taking her paxil cause it's no longer covered under aetna. So she's worset han usual. She's more of a bitch than usual. She used to be somewhat decent after when she was on it. Now it's just like, I can't wait til I can get out of here.

there are 525600 minutes in a year

whatever that is times one and a half.

A year and a half before I'm gone. Not even until I'm 18, once I graduate. I'm leaving, getting a job and then working my way through colelge. I don't care what it takes, but I'm leaving as soon as I can.

If i could leave now, I would. If I could get out now, I would. But I'm not going to sacrifice my education because she's a bitch. Because the only way to one up your parents is to outearn them, out live them, and know more.

That's my motto now. I keep telling myself that every damn day.

I want to run away with Adam and Jason now though. Part of me wants to run off to Mexico or wherever the fuck they're going and just forget about all this, and just forget about school. I don't want to learn.

I want to be a crackwhore and forget about responsibility.

I don't want to be the responsible one. I hate being the responsible one.

I'm just a kid. I want to be a fucking kid.

But I never got the chance. I never got to be a fucking kid. I've always had to be the something. I've either been the scapegoat, or the respnosible one. I just want to be a drugged out kid. I just want to live the hollywood life, sex drugs and rock and roll.

2005-12-05T20:39:00.000-08:00

Those were days of roses
of poetry and prose
and Martha all I had was you and all you had was me
There were no tomorrows
We packed away our sorrows and we saved them for a rainy day

They should do a tom waits musical. Open with Martha, have Martha be the Jersey Girl who he hopes he doesn't fall in love with, who he meets on a downtown train. From Martha move to Matilda. He breaks up with Matilda who sends him a christmas card from a hooker and a blue valentine. He realises he's only innocent when he dreams and puts a picture in a frame. He talks about the ghosts of saturday night in his old 55 before he realises he's got a bad liver and a broken heart. Reprise Martha at the end. Done.

I <3 tom waits.

I'm just a little baked right now, excuse me. but I picked up 3/8ths and well, im just pissed that most of it is shake.:(

I'm also pissed that snow is not sticking. I have school tomorrow. Maybe a delay.

2005-12-04T20:45:00.000-08:00

So I was over on coffeerooms and I Started going off on writing advice. So I thought I'd share a bit here.

Never give up writing.

Your first fic is going to suck. That's OK. There are people out there with low standards for a reason. They're made so that you can have good feedback on your first fic and keep on writing. Your first fic is you getting your feet wet. With everything you write you get better and better and better.

It's taken me two years to get to a point where I'm happy with my work for the most part. Doesn't mean that there aren't fics that I don't like that I write. I'll have the fic that I'm not happy with but I can't think of how to fix it and post it anyway. I'll keep it around and see if it strikes me to change it and fix whatever it was that was bugging me about it.

Protector bugged the shit out of me. I just went back and reread it. It's crappy. But people liked it. It's called holding yourself to the highest standard and always trying to improve yourself. Keep writing to become the best that you can be.

My mom doesn't understand why I did NaNoWriMo. She's like "well what do you get for winning?"

"A certificate."

"What else?"

"That's it."

"Well what do you have to do?"

"Write fity thousand words."

"Well what does that prove? Do you get published anywhere?"

"No, it's for myself."

She doesn't understand that writing is, and should be a personal thing that makes you always strive to be better and better and better than you are right now. I always try to improve myself, my writing. I've tried writing every which way. I've gotten deep into characters minds. I've curled up with a rum and coke to write drunken garret, (no scotch in the house or else it would be that.) trying the stanislavsky method.

I'm a method writer because I try to be the best I can be. It's part of why I don't like Mary Sues that much. Not because they're poorly written, which is often the case, but because they're easy. Same with OOC characters. They're the easy options. It's so easy to just let a char go and do whatever, to pretty much put yourself into a fic, it takes a lot more to keep the characters in character and write a story like that.

But I digress.

I'll digress even further. Tucker is the biggest waste of time out of all my classes. I'm going to fail the AP test. It's very interesting. But, well, we learn all about stuff that has no point. Like how Hearst's great granddaughter got kidnaped from princeton and joined a cult. Right. Like that is really going to be on the AP test. And apparently he gives the final as the midterm. That's going to be fun...really fun.

Back on topic-

Never give up writing. Even if you write a mary sue from time to time. Even if you write the biggest loads of drivel, keep at it and you'll get better. And never let an idea pass you buy even if it seems schlocky. I have the urge to write a Garret being in the festive spirit fic. And I will. It snowed. I listened to christmas music, Christmas Carol opens Friday it's time to do the christmas fic.

Go back and read over my entire profile. From fic 143 through til now. Some of it sucks. Some of it's good. A lot of the old stuff is nothing like what I write now, you'd never know it was the same author. If they ever publish the Snarky anthology, people would be amazed.

I wonder if they'd include my journals with that. I've got this fetish with being Kurdt and getting my journals published. I really don't care if they include me being the 8th grade goth who thought it was cool to rebel so far that I followed someone else off the deep end and fell into this near obsession with what's actually a fairly ugly man.

I always liked older men though. I mean, look at my past history. I should just get Jailbait tatooed on me. I have a thing for the world-worn look. Young and hot is nice, but I prefer aged and sexy. Hugh Laurie, Miguel, Bogart, you couldn't pry me off those men with a crowbar. I'd jump on top of them and rape them if I have to.

I'm digressing, but I don't care. I mean, I want to do the whole ego trip because this is the place to do it, right? I mean, this is the place to say that I want to get my journals published, just like Kurdt. If I have to pick a way to go it's in a blaze of glory, like Kurdt.

Well, his wasn't a blaze of glory. If i know I'm going to die, I want to do it in my own way.

I'm not afraid of death in the least. It's why I live life to the fullest. It's why I'm not afraid to do drugs, why I don't care about my life and my health. I do what I want because well, I very well may get run over by a bus tomorrow. But if I knew I was going to die, I would do it doing somethign crazy. I don't want to waste away in a hospital bed. I want to go jumping out of an airplane after spending a night doing an Alexander Shulgin impression.

I'm a walking drug. Adrienne's drug of choice.

But yeah, part of me wants to be just like Kurdt. Part of me wants to wind up that junkie under the bridge. "Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner. Sometimes I feel like my only friend Is the city I live in the city of angels lonely as I am together we cry. I drive on her streets cause she's my companion I walk through her hills cause she knows who I am she sees my good deeds and she kisses me windy I never worry now that is a lie."

Part of me wants to go out and get drunk and shoot up every damn day unable to stop, mary soe abusive guy who's a real fuckup have a kid and name them something crazy like Frances Bean and then blow my head off. Part of me wants to go out and be a crackwhore on the streets.

Warning, being a crackwhore may be hazardous to your health.

And I'm perfectly sober right now. I should be doing history homework, but history is a joke. I want to be high right now. Luckily Lou's got a big ass stash waiting for me tomorrow. 90$ but every penny of it is well spent. Good deal.

on the phone more later.

2005-11-24T14:55:00.000-08:00

There's just something about this fic that I just read that just screams out to me.

"I'm the world's greatest actress."
"No, you're just a silly little girl who's good at telling lies."

It was from a Snape/Hermione fic...a vignette that has Mione being a tweaker. well, they never said WHAT mione was on. Just a muggle drug. And Mione, well, Mione would be a tweaker. Always trying to get as much done as possible.

All overacheivers, if they become druggies, are tweakers. Because it gives them that edge. Staying up all night to work, never having to sleep and being able to focus despite that lack of sleep.

It's all in your personality what kind of an addict you are. If you want fun and to be the center of attention, you are, to quote Spiel, a blow-monkey.

If you want to just forget about the world and feel GOOD for an hour or two, opiates are who you are.

If you want to kick back and think about how good life is, you're a pothead.

If you want to be crazy and well, crazy, you're a crackhead.

If you want to have that edge and be on top of everything, you're a tweaker.

I'm-I don't know what I am. The only drugs that really appeal to me that I would do on a constant basis are psychs. Those are cool. I was the kid in DARE whenever they'd talk about stuff like acid would go "that sounds like fun, seeing things that aren't there..."

I mean pot's fun, and so are opiates, but nothings better than just trippin out and getting lost in your own little world.

2005-11-22T18:28:00.000-08:00

Happy time.

Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

Every time Mr. T pities the fool, a pornstar regains her virginity. Then proceeds to lose it to Mr. T.
Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.

Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.

Mr. T made his van go twice the speed of light because he wanted to prove that quantum physics was a bunch of jibba jabba.

Originally the A-Team was named T-Team and consisted of Mr. T and six of his genetically engineered clones driving around in a van made of pure gold. Producers changed the format after every criminal known to man was killed in the pilot episode.

Mr. T's hair style is actually a complex array of antennas that can triangulate the exact location of any fool in the universe. His gold chains can then transmit pity to those coordinates.

When Dr. Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets angry, he turns into Mr. T.

Mr. T can count past infinity

The vegetarian group PETA one time tried to establish the catchprase "We PETA the fool who eats animals." Upon learning of this blatant theft of his catch phrase, Mr. T founded McDonalds.

If you were ever foolish enough to get into a fight with Mr. T, there would only be two hits: Mr. T hitting you, and you hitting the surface of the Sun.

Small animals find Mr. T irresistable and can be found playing in his mohawk. Mr. T tolerates them because "they don't give me no lip."

Mr. T invented Asian people, because he thinks they're cute and don't take up much room.

Mr. T's GMC van does not travel on solid surfaces, but instead mathematical planes. In other words, it can go wherever the hell Mr. T wants.

Mr. T once got into a fight with a ninja. He killed the ninja, but only after the ninja had cut off two of his fingers. Those fingers grew up to be Gary Coleman and Webster.

Remember, only you can prevent forest fires. But also remember that you can't do shit, because Mr. T is the one who starts them, and no one can stop that crazy fool.

When Mr. T puts on his dancing shoes, you better f-ing run.
Mr. T took Mother Nature from behind. We refer to the event as the Big Bang.

Mr. T was once clocked at 100 fps. That's 100 fools pitied a second.

Mr T defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Mr T loves you.

When Mr. T has nightmares, people around him start dying for no reason.

A local area teen once tried to persuade Mr. T into buying Dub Spinners for the A-Team Van. He proceeded to smash the teen through one of the spinners, double dip his body in gravy, and ate every last piece. Moral to the story: Mr. T Loves Gravy
Mr. T knows the muffin man; he had sex his wife.

If at the exact same moment, the same person was pitied by Mr. T and roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, the universe would implode.

Mr. T was actually named after his very rare blood type that proves he is genetically capable of ripping a man's arms out of his sockets. T-positive.

World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, Mr. T ate Kobayashi.
Mr T. appeared on Wheel of Fortune. He asked for a "T" and Pat Sajak replied, "Sorry Mr. T, there are no T's". Mr. T replied I pity you Pat Sajak, and proceeded rip off Pat's head, extend his arms to make him in the shape of a "T" and place him on the board. He then punched Vanna in the face and dragged her off stage by her hair. Vanna is believed to be tied in gold chains in Mr. T's basement to this day.

Mr. T was the first man on the moon, and claimed it by carving a gigantic "T" stretching from horizon to horizon. In his wisdom, he carved it on the dark side, as a warning to any aliens who might even think of attacking.

1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two
seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse
kicks you in the face.
2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but
Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart
while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets
the information he wants.
5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought
a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its
neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the
good Chuck, he taketh away.
6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
7. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who
have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.
8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
10. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
11. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."
12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.
Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
14. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and
Chuck Norris.
15. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean
to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to
him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J.
Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.
16. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and
meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and
Tequila.
17. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only
time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the
Holocaust.
18. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left,
right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.
19. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that
sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
20. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck
Norris allows to live.
21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe,
and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
22. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection.
There were no survivors.
23. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris
could use to kill you, including the room itself.
24. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game
of tennis.
26. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's
Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was
the third girl he had slept with.
27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
28. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
29. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up
with lactose's shit.
30. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
31. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's
pushing the Earth down.
32. Chuck Norris does not have your normal human-style, male nipples.
He has a Dodge Ram hood ornament on each pec, and both rams blow smoke
out of their noses each and every time he pumps Christy Brinkley.
33. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
34. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
35. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction
was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took
his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.
36. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
37. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop
the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets
with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
amazement.
38. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck
could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW
DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her
throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he
bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he
realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone
within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
39. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7
different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing
for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
40. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
41. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the
gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other
Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their
combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after
all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
42. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent
the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
43. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris
instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly
thereafter he grew a beard.
44. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
45. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought
a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its
neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good
Chuck, he taketh away.
46. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see
Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
47. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".
48. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only
thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
49. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
50. Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply
beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the
game forfeited.
51. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat
on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
52. One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one
outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.
53. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just
so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
54. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic
bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris.
His reasoning? It was more "humane".
55. Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
56. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but
was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a
roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied,
"That's no glitch."
57. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
58. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He
came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came
with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he
gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck
Norris."
59. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to
put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is
"his" way.
60. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is
actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the
face that day.

2005-11-19T10:39:00.000-08:00

30 days till the apocolypse.

30 days until things go incredibly wrong and I'm going to wake up someplace that I've never been before.

30 days until my life changes forever.

Because there's no way we'll get the money. two weeks ago we thought it was possible, but everything is a dead end. Deirdre won't lend us anything, we've only scraped together a grand. we need another 2500. We might get a grand to 1500 from pawning off what's left, but that's still not enough.

we'd still be between 1000-1500 short. We're screwed.

30 days from now my life changes forever. 30 days from now, I'm waking up someplace I've never been before and it's going to be the start of something new, something different.

Look foward to adventure, right?

I shouldn't be going through this. For all I make fun of perfect suburbia, it's what I want. For all I make fun of white picket fences and the american dream, I want to be part of that. I want to be part of a family with a mother, father and two point five kids in a nice little house with a white picket fence and a dog named spot and go to school and get good grades and go to college and get good grades and go on to repeat everything with my own family.

I don't want to be part of a single parent home with an abusive manipulative mother who can't pay bills. I don't want to worry about where the hell I'm going to be 30 days from now. I don't want to worry about having to give this all up. Just dissapearing. the 19th is a monday. All of a sudden I'll be in school on friday and on monday I'll be gone. I dissapeared. *poof*

And no one will hear from me again. No one will see me again. I'll just fade away and start over, trying to make something of myself. What's that 30 seconds to mars song? How does it go?

So I run, hide and tell myself
I'll start again with a brand new name
And eyes that see into infinity
I will disappear
I told you once and I'll say it again
I want my message read clear
I'll show you the way, the way I'm going
So I run, hide and tell myself
I'll start again with a brand new name
And eyes that see into infinity
I was almost there
Just a moment away from becoming unclear
Ever get the feeling you're gone
I'll show you the way, the way I'm going
So I run, hide and tell myself
I'll start again with a brand new name
And eyes that see into infinity

That's what I'll do. I'll run off someplace new, start again with a brand new name. The death of Jeannette, the birth of Jamie. I've always loved that name. Jamison Alexandra Devalera. That's who I'll become. 30 days from now my life starts over. 30 days from today everything changes.

30 days from now I'm a new person.

Although it's funny. you know what I'm concerned about loosing the most? My computer. I'm upset about not being able to go on when I want. That's what I'm afraid of loosing the most.

All I know is 30 days from now, I'm most likely goign to wind up on a train up to the city, checking myself into Covenant House. They can't contact my mother if they have no clue where she's going to live. And I'm going to start over from there. Finish up high school as another kid in the system up in the city, go to college, make something of myself.

And thirty years from now when she's on her deathbed I'm going to be rolling in the dough, living the high life, having put all this behind me.

Or I can talk about it my memoirs. Everyone loves a good sob story. Everyone loves a rags to riches story. Everyone wants to hear about the kid that came away from an abusive family, a horrible family to make something of themselves. Everyone wants to hear about people like me who start off with a horrible life and then suddenly have something.

Everyone wants to hear about me. My father died when I was six and my mother fell into a deep depression, taking out all her anger on me. My sister moved out and we supported her because she's a deadbeat and is even worse with money than my mother. It just drove us deeper in debt. When I was twelve we had to move out and I wound up staying in a motel for two months because we had to get out of the house before they foreclosed on it, and we bought this one.

Then deirdre got married to rob who's a former drug addict and somewhat abusive and he has her wrapped around his rather large little finger. Things went well for a while. Mom was taking her meds, everything was good. Then things went wrong again and things got bad again. And now, at age 16 we're being evicted again and I'm going to go make something of myself.

Oh should I throw in how mental illness runs in my family? How deirdre moved out to south dakota to get away from mom and the constant verbal and emotional abuse? Of course I should. It makes it a better read.

hah, I'm no better than Eric Clapton. Let's face it, tragedy sells. I can loathe the man for making millions off of his son's death, but I know I would do the same. I'm just a big hippocrite.

Half of Garret's journal is me. Its why I love the man so much. He's so much like me. I'm in between Garret and Jordan, but much more like Garret. I relate to him. I know where he's coming from. And he's sexy. Too damn sexy.

2005-11-11T18:33:00.000-08:00

If they ever remake NightFlyer I know who should take over the lead.

Noah.

Seirously, there's something about him that just screams Sleazeball. He plays a sleazy guy so well.

And Jesse has to be famous. Boy's too sexy not to.

I want to ask Steve out, or Jesse, but I can't think of how to. I really want to ask steve out, he's hot in that pothead way, but I don't want to be rejected.

Ah the joy of teen angst.

Currently Listening to-
Less Than Jake-Johnny Quest Thinks We're Sellouts

2005-11-10T19:02:00.000-08:00

Right, I know how I'm going to get my ass to california if things take a shitty turn.

32 Wendy's Cups. I figure 32$ at most-just ask them for a large cup of water with something off the dollar menu. Dump the water and keep the cup and get my ass down and buy an AirTran ticket with them-one way to LAX and goodbye Jersey, hello Californ-i-a

Stay there, attempt to do something, anything.

And I'm going to kil the other techies.

Seriously. Scott, Jay, all of them. Jay is just an asshole. I nearly slugged him in the face. Scott is pompous and an asshole. They get pissy at me for doing one thing wrong yet they refuse to accept when something they do is wrong. Can we say hippocrit? They obviously can't. Just once, I'd like to see a play happen with less drama backstage than on stage.

I feel so sorry for Baldwin. She's so nice, she really is. And she has to put up with such shit from everyone. I try and be nice, but I swear, it must be a rule of male techies to hate the director. Jion and I, we both at least attempted to get along with Nordleaf. We may not have LIKED her, but we at least gave her a chance and we weren't blatantly evil to her.

No one liked Nordleaf. Jay and Scott like Baldwin, or so they claim, but they still give her shit, they still talk DOWN to her, and get pissy when she tells them what to do. Um, isn't that what she's SUPPOSED to do? Give them orders? She's the DIRECTOR! I like Eric's sign-"Drama Free Zone" just wish they'd listen to it.

Actors are even worse. Like Noah's hissy fit. I feel sorry for him, but it's his own damn fault. He didn't TELL her he couldn't make rehersal-he just didn't show up. He just decided he didn't need to be there and so he wasn't. That's his own damn fault, and Baldwin has every right to pull him, she told us ALL up front-we miss 3 rehersals and we're off the cast/crew unless we have a very valid reason to not be there.

I've been there more than anyone except Scott, and I've been the one who's actually tried to be nice to Baldwin, who'se gone out of my way to be nice to Baldwin. I <3 Baldwin, she's the best director to come through LHS. Harbs was cool, crazy, but cool, and he came up with these grandoise crazy ideas that cost us a shitload of money, but he was cool. Nordleaf was a self-centered bitch that everyone except Andrew hated. Baldwin-Baldwin's just what the LHS drama program needs.

But I feel so bad for her, she's in tears over the whole ordeal. She's in tears over how much shit she's going through, and a large part of it is thanks to the other techies. You know what, I think I should print this out and shove this in Jay and Scott's faces, punch them in the face, kick them in the nuts-wait they have no nuts to kick them in-and tell them to be nice, stop spazzing, and well, try and get along with her.

She's really nice.

Yeah. I'm sick of the shit that I have to go through for them.

I'm also sick of feeling like shit. Remind me if I ever try opiates again to make sure that i allot plenty of time for the comedown-I felt better than I ever have before, but I felt like shit once the better than ever feeling wasted away and I was left only with the naseau.

Not a good feeling. Not good at all.

I now have another entry planned though-another Garret debating going back to sex drugs and rock and roll. Missing the "better than anything" feeling and just generally wanting it back-no matter what it takes. After I get done with the fantasy though. Definitly after I get done with the next fantasy scene.

Lots of G/J steamyness. Simply because porn adds words. Quite a lot of them. Which is a very good thing.

2005-11-06T19:36:00.000-08:00

Right havent'been around here much, but I just need to get some shit off my chest.

December 19th. Way too fucking close. One month. Actually, a month and like 13 days. Six weeks. Six weeks to get together $3500.

Six weeks to get together way to much mney before we get kicked out of house number 2.

I know I keep ranting about my mother, but sometimes the shit just hits the fan, y'know? I've already started packing up the shit I want, if we have to move, better to have it all together already, and if we don't, well, it's sorta organized. Hey, they kick us out, they deal with cleaning up all the shit in my room. It becomes Lawrence Twp's problem to clean up the thousands of soda cans up there, and the general wreck that it is.

The worst thing is that I have 1 year, 10 months and 4 days before I can get away from all of it. 673 days. Too damn long. I can't escape it, as much as I want, as much as I want to leave all of this, I can't.

I'm notpissing away my life because my mom's fucked it over. That's letting her win to do that. Just because my mom's a completely screwup in life doesn't mean I am. I'm not going to let myself be like her. Every single child says that they're not going to be like their parents. I'm not gonig to let myself. I'm not going to fuck my life over like she's done with hers.

She's the one that can't pay bills. She's the one that's leadnig us to foreclosure #2 cause she has no clue how to pay taxes. She's too busy spending every damn cent on needlepoint. At least my trust fund's locked.

But what pisses me off is the fact that she complained about that. She was going to nick from it to pay off the bills that she can't pay. Not because we don't have the money, if she didn't spend all of it, we could get by on $1600 a month. But no, she spends it all, wastes it all and drives us further and further into debt.

And then she takes things out on me. That's the worst thing. I'm her release, she screams at me for every little thing because she's frustrated at the fact that we don't have money to pay bills. And she wonders why I try to avoid her all the time? Then she screams at me for avoiding her.

Yum. bacardi spice and cola is good, it doesn't taste as bad as the spice straight up and doesn't burn as badly, not nearly as bitter.

Anyway, I suppose I should, actually, like do my chem homework before I fall asleep doing it. But I just had to rant.

At least Bluelight's supportive of it. they're a great group of people, they all told me what I already knew-I need to get my ass away from her and fast, but they lend a sympathetic shoulder to lean on. It's just I can't get away from her fast enough. I can't run from her because, well, she's my mother, and well, I have no place else to go.

I have nowhere to run to. And no excuse to run, not until the 19th. The worst thing is it's a waiting game. I have six weeks to wait and see if my life is going to change, yet again. Six weeks before I know if we're going to be forced to leave again. I dno't know where we're going to go. Probably South Dakota.

I'll give that a month at the most, but I can't see mum and dee getting along, not with Rob there. I'd hightail it out of there if the fighting gets bad again. Get my ass to california, get a job, get my GED, get my associates, get my bachelors, work my way up and try and be something.

Hell, even renroll in HS at 18 to have a real diploma and not a GED. Work my way through college, get a better job, work my way through law school, make something of myself.

It'll be more than she'll ever be. It'll just be throwing it back in her face.

And I'll never have to see her again.

IT's a fifty fifty thing. Loose loose though. Heads I stay here for another two years, turn 18 and turn my back on her. Tails, we're stuck leaving and I run to wherever I'm going to go and work my way into becoming something. They have Anchor House up in the city, go there, get my diploma, make something of myself. Work hard and be somebody. And she'll be forced to sit there and watch, while I become someone, work hard and actually make money, and save money and have money, while she's left to realize what she did to herself.

2005-09-22T17:34:00.000-07:00

Right, I try to avoid posting really personal shit, but this is just pissing me off.

I hate my mother sometimes.

She just goes off on me for the most random shit, and it's so annoying-even worse when I'm on the phone and she just starts screaming her head off at me for no reason. Like me not moving my shoes, or leaving my key on the table, or like today, laughing the way I do.

Sorry, but it's the way I laugh. I honestly could care less if I "sound like a retard" when I laugh-i've laughed that way for years and she's complained about it for years, you think she'd have given up on it by now.

And then she wonders why I'm pissed off at her and don't like talking to her and avoid her when possible. Hmm, maybe if she didn't try to purposely trip me with her cane, not care about the fact that she leaves her shit all over the house yet screams at me when I leave one thing out of place, and pretty much not cares-but gives the pretense of caring.

There are times where I wish she'd beat me just to give me an excuse to get the hell out of here. But I can't complain that much-I have a roof over my head, cash in my pocket and food. And there's only two years left of it.

But I just thought things were getting better-don't you just hate it when things like that happen? When you think that your life is falling back into place and then suddenly, it's not? Life turns around and goes "Hahahaha! I started to make you happy and now you're not anymore!"

I can't wait til I get away from this shithole that is New Jersey, go to college, and be out of here for good. But i mean, I like Jersey, I just hate what's in Jersey-the posers who care only about their status symbols-I gave up caring about that a long time ago-don't care what I get labelled as, I just am. I'm too lazy to care, really. It's not because I think I'm too cool to be labelled, I simply am to apathetic to care.

But two more years til I'm in college. Two more years before I never have to see her again, two more years til I'm free, two more years before I get out of here, live in a different state year round (I'll do the summer session, both to graduate early and get out of here sooner) and go on to law school and never have to be here again.

I realize I sound like the typical angsty "I hate my life and want to die!" goth but I'm not like that.

I don't hate my life. I just hate what's in my life. I like my life-I have high hopes and high dreams. I just hate the shit I have to go through every day to live that life. I could care less about half of what's in it. I really don't see the point in math...the only useful application for high school chem is wow, now I can start my own meth lab! But yet I'm forced to sit through 48 minutes a day of them.

People wonder why I spend most of my time writing. It's a release. If I can't kill someone in real life, I can have a character do it. If I can't just run off in real life, I can have a character do it. It's great to get lost in a fantasy world where your own life is forgotten about for at least a little while.

But then, as always, life rears up it's ugly head and strikes. Like when I'll be in the middle of writing and mumsy will scream at me to do something-she never can ask, she always screams. She doesn't know what politeness is.

But yet-she knows better. She knows to never raise a hand to me, because she knows the second she does is the second I clear out her bank account, go "fuck you." to her, grab my bag and leave. Where to, I don't know-hop the first train out and go wherever it takes me. Head to LA-every screenwriter needs to live in LA to get somewhere.

But if I left that means she'd be without her little slave. and she can't bear that-she's so damn reliant on me. Is it wrong of me to not wait to go to college just to see her collapse because I'm not there to do everything for her? I honestly don't know how she's going to do it.

Deirdre was always more than willing to do it-deirdre, for all she wants to, doesn't have a damn independent bone in her body. But I've always been different. I'm not a type A, I'm a type A+. I don't like being dependant on anyone nor I do I want anyone to be dependant on me, clingy people annoy the hell out of me.

Right, I've kinda gone off here, but that was just pissing me off. I'm not usually like this, I plead the fact that I'm sick and have had her yelling at me all day over the most useless stuff. I'm going to frigging maryland with her and missing one of the best games of the season because of it (the night game at hightstown-last year they baked us brownies and gave us free stuff at the concession stand and were really nice to us. They're a great school and it was an intense game) but she doesnt care.

She's dragging me down there over one of her needlepoint things. She just steamrollers over what I want without caring. All my other friends are allowed to stay home alone for a night or two-hell some of their parents go off for weeks at a time, and yet I'm not allowed two nights. It's not like I'm going to have an insane party or something. I'd like to, but I don't have the money for booze and pot, it would have to be BYOB.

But no, instead I'm going down to friggin Hagerstown, missing the game against hightstown, and generally being dragged against my will to sit and take notes at a meeting so she can take a crappy class that she wants to. God forbid I had something I wanted to do, like, oh, say, play with Red Scare.

Yeah, I'm in a bad mood today. And I'm listening to emo music.

And did I mention that WinMX decided to stop working? Ick. :(

Currently listening to:
Dashboard Confessionals-Hands Down

2005-09-17T17:48:00.000-07:00

Another funny drug quote. This one courtesy of Mean Girl on BlueLight

"Meth?! Ah yes, of course."Watch my seat, i'm going to go for a run around the cockpit. When I get back, we can play Duck Duck Terrorist!"

Grr...phone's ringing. Post more later. Had to post that though.

Currently listening to-
Bright Eyes-Something Vauge

2005-09-15T17:46:00.000-07:00

http://www.livejournal.com/users/garretelliot/4454.html

^Debs rant in repsonse to one of mine.

My head is fucking killing me.

i was going to write but now I'm not. Remember-Pygmalion, anti-W/J. Do that for me. Remind me to write that. Woody convinced that Jordan is perfect, or can be. And he tries to change her, blah blah blah.

I do NOT want to get up tomorrow to be in school at 7 for damn red scare. Fucking haltmeier. He's cool. Except when he gets ideas like that. Then he needs to be whacked upside the head and forced into a mental home.

I feel like shit right now. Like I've just gotten really wasted and well, now I feel wasted not happy. You know that feeling? When you're so wasted you feel like shit? Only I haven't taken anything. I was up til 2 am yesterday, all I've had today was two cans of diet max, my sandwhich, chips, an ice cream sandwhich, some leftover pizza and more chips.

God, I sound like a stoner when i say what I eat. I'm not, I swear. I don't have the money to be one. I can't afford to buy weed when weed is like 15$ a gram...I don't know how some of the guys on BL do it, 2+ grams A DAY. I just couldn't be assed to cook, it's too damn hot out.

But my head is throbbing, my stomach hurts, and I really just dont want to go to school tomorrow. But I want to know how I did on my history test dammit. Tucker still hasn't given them back yet. And it's pissing me off, cause, like, I want to know how badly I failed. That thing was HARD.

first period is going to be a joke. all of us red scare kids are going to sleep. history is going to suck cause I'm going to be mad when I see my grade cause I know I screwed up that test. So did everyone else in the class though. English, well, english is cool. Let's talk some more about how fucked up everyone in Sons and Lovers is. And talk about going to go see Hamlet. French is well, french. And Madame is cool enough to let me slide with almost anything. Math, well, Koch is just an idiot. And I have a quiz. Ick. On factory. I really dont care that x^2+6x+9=(x+3)^2. Lol, I can't wait to see what Lou does if she doesn't let him copy off of me. Gym, sleep and pick whatever activity they offer. At least I only have to take 1 swimming this year. Theater, stupid trust folder things. Ick. I'm just copying and pasting the same thing onto the front and back. She won't notice. And chem. I'm surprised that I have an A in that class. It's only the first week of school but I have gotten like 4 tests. passed the elements one, did better than I thought-i can't spell those damn things. And I really dont care how to spell strontium or whatever the fuck it is. Some thing that reacts with other things to make more thigns.

Just make it the end of the year, make me poor having to pay 80$ for the AP test and SAT's and let me out. I have senioritis already.

Next year I'm planning on taking like all AP's though. Just because then I can start college with 21 credits. That's like the better part of a semester.

What I want to take next year:

AP Music theory (1-3 credits depending on college)
AP Gov and Politics (3 credits)
AP English/Humanities (3 credits)
French V honors (take the AP test and there's another 3 credits)
Calc (only non-AP class, cause I suck at math)
Gym
Lunch
AP Biology (3 credits)

18-21 credits depending on what they count for AP music theory with the 6 if I pass this AP test.

And if we have a 9 period day next year, History and Film too. I'm not giving up my lunch my senior year. Not when I have a car and can go out to lunch. Well, no, take that back. I probably won't have my OWN car, but I can drive mumsy to work, drive back to the school, park and have the car all day, then pick her up after school. The joys of her working around the corner.

I'll write more smut, but won't type it. Sorry Debs, but I'm just feeling too crappy to write. and post.

Currently listening to: 30 Seconds to Mars-Year Zero.

Well, it changed over to the Doors, Whiskey, Mistics and Men while typing that.

current mood-trashed, in an absolutely vile way. While being entirely sober, which is what's annoying.

2005-09-13T16:07:00.000-07:00

Right, so I was looking at a think on townhall about how there's all this filth out there in the world.

And how we shuold protect the children from it.

Ick.

Let's see. I was raised with free reign over the computer. To look at whatever the hell I wanted. I was raised with the ability to buy any video game I wanted, if it was rated M, my mother would walk in with me to get it. I've seen R rated movies since I was 4 years old.

And personally, I think I'm more normal that most people in my grade.

I have my crazy moments. I have my insane moments. But overall, I'm pretty damn normal. Pretty damn cynical, but pretty damn normal. And anwer me this-would you rather be cynical or naive? Would you rather know what's out there, what the world is like, or would you rather live in a bubble? I'm much happier knowing that the world is shit and people suck than I would be not knowing it.

I'm not sayign my mother doesn't care, far from it. But she knows that, well, it doesn't really matter what one watches on TV, what one plays in a game, what one listens to, what they read. It all boils down to A) Ensuring that the child knows that what they read see and hear is fiction, it's not real, will never be real. and B) Making sure the kids aren't obsessed with it.

There are some web activities I hide from my mother for sheer modesty purposes. Purely human things that, well, I won't show her simply because its one of those things that no sane teenager would willingly show a parent. It's not because I know that she'll dissaprove, simply because it's too damn embarresing.

But there is no proven link to violence that children see in fiction, when those children are the product of a NORMAL home enviroment that leads to violent children. yes Klebold and Harris played Doom. Yes they saw violent movies.

I play Counterstrike and watch Die Hard. i've gotten picked on. Does that mean I'm going to go shoot down everyone at LHS? Hell no. Have there been days when I've thought about it? Everyone considers it, what it would be like to never have to see one person, two people, three people, who made your life miserable again. Everyone wonders what that feeling of taking another human life is like.

But not many people go out and act out that curiosity. Everyone wants to know what it's like to play god and end a life. The difference between the sane and insane is that to the sane it is merely a fascination that we find interesting to wonder about. Something that we would never act on. we may express it through words, through art (why do you think I enjoy killing off my main characters?) But we know that it is the ultimate crime at the same time. Even murderers know that it is wrong, that it is horrible. They just take their curiosity too far...

But there's the difference. Klebold and Harris were mentally unstable to begin with. their home lives were shit. They had parents that flat out didn't care. it is not violent games that make kids violent. It is violent nature that is given room to fester and grow.All violent movies and TV and games do is show alternate ways of expressing that violence.

Anyone else find it REALLY ironic that the two songs that have been playing during this have been about suicide? Shinedown's 45 and now it's switched on over to Feathery Wings by Voltaire.

I absolutely love this song though. It's so sad, so depressing, but so good.

You, there on the bridge
where have you been, whats your name?
and you, there you on the wall
where will you go to once you fall?
you, lost at sea
do you need me, do you need directions?
hey, put down the gun
what are you thinking?
you were someone's son

the taste of tears
the sting of pain
the smell of fear
the sounds of crying

a long, long time ago i fell to this place
from another dimesnion
and thrust amongst the beasts
and they way they behave borders on dementia
now through all these years
i can barely take it
i don't think i can make it
take me away from here
I want to go home

i'm so sick and tired of the
the taste of tears
the sting of pain
the smell of fear
the sounds of crying
as you standing at the edge of your life
what do you remember?
was it all you wanted?

I'm trying to earn a set of feathery wings
i wish i could protect you here
oh, please don't cry
now smile as you're standing
at the edge of your life
your troubles are over
mine are just beginning
I'm trying to earn a set of feathery wings
to take me away from here
its me you leave behind

if only i could have been there
i'd be a hand for the sinking
if only i could have been there
i'd be a prayer for the dying
see the pain etched in my face

i'm so sick and tired of
the taste of tears
the sting of pain
the smell of fear
the sounds of crying
as you're standing at the edge of your life
what do you remember was it all you wanted

I'm trying to earn a set of feathery wings
i wish i could protect you here
oh, please don't cry
now smile as you're standing
at the edge of your life
your troubles are over
mine are just beginning

I'm trying to earn a set of feathery wings
to take me away from here
its me you leave
you're gone from here
don't leave from here
don't leave me here
I hate it here
you're gone from here
don't leave me here
I need you here
I need to see you smile

Voltaire is just awesome. He's such a guy that Nigel would listen to too. I can totally see Nigel blasting Vampire Club at top volume through the mourge. He also seems the Zeromancer type. I love Zeromancer, they're pretty damn cool.

2005-09-11T10:49:00.001-07:00

Right, so, my b-day was yesterday. 'twas fun.

went up to Hennessy's. Have cool little shamrock magnet with the adress and phone number so I can find it again.

Small little place too. Maybe 15 tables in there and the bar. And everyone else in there was families with kids. And the booths are made from pews. Tell me that's not cool. Food is-good. Not exceptional, not bad. The linguine and clam sauce had only 4 clams on the shell, but a bunch chopped in. Prefer a bunch on the shell and none chopped in.

Mum had the shepard's pie, and loved it, there's the other half of it in the fridge. Ev's salad was a little small and alittle not worth the price (she had shrimp on it that cost an extra 5 bucks) but she said it was pretty filling. And they have 6$ burgers. So that's good.

And when they brought out ice cream with a candle in it, everyone else in the resteraunt started singing along with the waiter (who was very good looking by the way-cast him in something on CJ, he's HOT). So it was fun. Good day overall.

I was going to say something else that was not related to what I did yesterday, but now I can't remember what the hell I was going to say. Dammit, I hate it when that happens. I should be writing, but can't think of anything to write. I think I'm just going to type the next chap of Follow Your heart. It's all written, I just kinda forgot to type it.

Oh, and find stamps, stick stamps on envelope with Harvest and Where's Marlowe dvd's for Debs...and then drag my ass down to mailbox. And mail brandon's magnet. :)

Current mood-blah
Currently listening to-30 Seconds To Mars-Capricorn

Oh, before I forget, you MUST listen to 30 seconds to mars, awesome band. Like the Jenerators, band with actors in it that is good. Only when I found 30 seconds to mars, I didn't realize that it was Jared Leto. I'm watching them on Conan and I'm like "Damn, that guy looks a LOT like Jared Leto. Is that Jared Leto? This music's fucking rad..."

And I was sober when they were on. That's my normal thought process. It gets worse from there.

And I finally got around to seeing the beginning of To Wong Foo. I always missed the beginning, so finally saw that on Friday. I do love the line "When a straight man dresses up in women's clothing for sexual purposes, he's a transvestite. When a woman is trapped in a man's body and wants to have operations to fix it, she's a transexual. When a gay man has far too much fashion sense for one gender, THAT is a drag queen."

Although it has nothing on R&C's line "I want to go to WaWa before I die." They need to expand WaWa dammit. When I go out of state I want to see at least ONE. Maybe not the gazillion of them that I can name off the top of my head, but I want to be able to get WaWa hoagies...

2005-09-08T17:54:00.000-07:00

I'm fucked.

Phone bill for the month=477$.

Yes, that's right, you're reading that correctly. nearly 500 dollars

Total bill for the month of august with my mom's line? 780 dollars. plus 90 we didn't pay last month.

That's an entire paycheck for my mom. I'm fucked. I paid 50$ on it already, but I'm still going to get my ass beat.

So please, if you're one of the people I talk to on a regular basis, call after 9, it's free...even if you call me, its still minutes, but i thought with 1200 minutes I was in good shape. Wrong. an hour here, two hours there, that eats 1200 minutes away really fast.

And if you want to send money, that's always nice too...

2005-09-06T07:33:00.000-07:00

Best drugged out comment ever:

"I ate half a Gideon Bible today.

I think that's a lesson to us all. If you're going to do ecstasy, buy a few packs of gum...."

Courtesy of Breadfish over on the 'Dox.

I nearly fell out of my chair laughing at that. Up there with WhereAmI volunteering to try two drugs, one that makes your pupils really small and one that makes them really big just to see if your eyes like fall out of you head or something.

I love message boards that have a bunch of stoners on them...especially now that schools starting again so most of them are trying to spend their last few days getting as trashed as possible. So far about 60% of the posts over the past day have been involving drugs, what people did on drugs, or how to hide your drugs.

I love listening to the "Man I was so fucked up..." Stories.

2005-09-05T18:21:00.000-07:00

You know you're from jersey when...

Here is the ulitmate you know you're from jersey when list with my own commentary.

-You've been seriously injured at Action Park. Yep. Sprained my ankle on the gigantic cliff dive they have.
-You know that it is now Mountain Creek Park
-You know that the only people who call it "Joisey" are from New York (usually The Bronx) or Texas.
-You don't think of citrus when people mention "The Oranges."
-You know that it's called "Great Adventure," not "Six Flags." Yep. And we have the tallest, fast, rollercoaster in the world.
-You've ordered a hard roll with butter for breakfast. I prefer bagels myself, but hard rolls aren't bad.
-You've known the way to Seaside Heights since you were seven. And I prefer Pt. Plesant.
-You've eaten at a diner, when you were stoned or drunk, at 3 am. Ok, well, it was 1am, and I swear it was sparkling cider. At least that's what Dave told me...
-You know that the state isn't one big oil refinery.
-At least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen, and you know what town Jon Bon Jovi is from. Sayreville
-You know what a "jug handle" is.
-You know that a WaWa is a convenience store.
-And that they have the best hogies and the cool little touch screen menu. It's fun to just go in there and change your hoagie order 12 times.
-You know that the state isn't all farmland.
-You know that there are no "beaches" in new Jersey - there's "The Shore," and you know that the road to the shore is "The Parkway" not "The Garden State Highway."
-You know that "Piney" isn't referring to a tree. Ick. Some of those people drive me nuts. Like JENNIfer
-You know how to properly negotiate a Circle.
-You knew that the last question had to do with driving. I only have to put up with the Brunswick circle every day.
-You know that "Acme" is an actual store, not just a Warner Bros creation. yay for Max Cola.
-You know that this is the only "New..." state that doesn't require "New" to identify it (like, try ...Mexico, ...York, ...Hampshire (doesn't work, does it?).
-You only go to New York City for day trips, and you only call it "The City."
-You know that a "White Castle" is the name of BOTH a fast food chain AND a fast food sandwich. Hooray for murder burgers!
-You consider a corned beef sandwich with lettuce and mayo a sacrilege.
-You don't think "What exit" (do you live near?) is very funny. 8A if you're on the turnpike, 67 if you're coming down 295.
-You live within 20 minutes of at least three different malls. um, if you count Mercer it's even more. But Quakerbridge, Freehold and CherryHill.
-You've eaten a Boardwalk cheesesteak with vinegar fries. And I dont care much for vinegar fries either.
-You refer to all highways and interstates by their numbers. Um, 206 has a name in most places?
-Every year you have at least one kid in your class named Tony. Usually 2 or 3
-You know the location of every clip shown in the Sopranos opening credits.
-You know that people from North Jersey go to Seaside Heights, and people from Central Jersey go to Belmar and people from South Jersey go to Wildwood. Belmar sucks, we've started going to pt. pleasant cause Belmar is more trash than beach now.
-You weren't raised in New Jersey -- you were raised in either North Jersey, Central Jersey or South Jersey.
-And you know that they should really be three different states yeah central jersey!
-You don't consider Newark or Camden to actually be part of the state. Add patterson in there too.
-You've never pumped your own gas.
-You think the New York Jets should be called the New Jersey Jets. They play in the Meadowlands. That is in NJ. That is a good 20 minutes outside the city.
-You've been camping.
-You've been in a town or city where Spanish is spoken more than English. There's a lot of those.
-You know where to get a freshly cooked Taylor Ham, Egg and Cheese sandwich at 2 a.m. WaWa
-Z-100 used to be your favorite radio station, now it's K-Rock. 92.3 KRok. But I listen to 94.1 YSP a lot too.
-You'd rather be getting tortured in the jungles of vietnam than on ANY highway in north jersey at rush hour.
-You don't "go to the beach", you go "down the shore".
-You've had arguments over cheesesteak quality. And I've waited in line for the famed southstreet cheestakes.
-You or your friends have had Lyme Disease. Luke Sheean.
-You don't understand why there aren't more 24-hour diners elsewhere in the country. There aren't? What do y'all do out there?
-You know what a Wawa is, and know the location of at least 15 of them. QB road, Princeton, there's like 4 on 206, the one right in Bucks county, the three in Toms River....
-You know what became of the 13th Leeds child, and claim to have seen him one time while peeing in the woods.
-You know that you should get the hell out of Camden before dark. You know you should get the hell out of Camden, period.
-You buy Shop-Rite brand food at Shop-Rite. I prefer Acme, but Shoprite's closer.
-You think the Olive Garden is a bunch of crap and should not open restaurants in South Jersey.
-You played soccer from Kindergarten through high school. I gave up cause I sucked.
-You always went to the Franklin Institute when you were a kid.
-Or Liberty Science Center Liberty's better. They have the touch tunnel.
-You once skipped school and went to Wildwood.
-You know where to get the best bagel. Bagel Hole right on the corner of Penn Lyle and whatever that street is.
-You've called someone an "asshole" to their face at the Philly airport.
-Even your school made good Italian subs, but you call them hoagies. My school has a bad lunch food company. The people are good but the food sucks.
-You can't believe MTV went to Seaside Heights.
-You don't have to go to Red Lobster to get fresh seafood.
-You know what custard is in South Jersey. And Rita's is the best.
-Route 206 doesn't freak you out at night. Freaks Mom out though.
-You know that people from the 609 area code are "a little different". (609 Reprazent!)
-Your mom still loves Bruce Springsteen. Hell, I love The Boss. And he's playing at Soverign Bank!
-You know it can be -10 degrees and 70 degrees in January in the same year.
-You go to another state and sit at a gas station wondering when the people will come out to pump your gas. *coff* drive down to DC *coff*
-You have to mail your relocated friends tastykakes. Note to self, was supposed to mail them to Deirdre.
-Your high school prom was at the Camden Aquarium or The Mansion in Voorhees.
-You have season passes to Great Adventure. Hell yes, they pay for themselves in just 2 visits.
-You refuse to call Hoagies "subs."
-You know where Olga's Diner is on rt 70.
-You are tired of people not believing you're from jersey because you don't have a New York accent.
-You drive by a farm every time you get in the car. And we know, the L-ville has more farmland than the W-T.
-Your neighbor is either a painter, a plumber, a builder, or an electrician with a work truck in the driveway. Big huge silver truck parked right across the way.
-You have crossed all 5 bridges into Philly at one point in your life.
-You know what the Trenton Makes Bridge is
-You understand what the slogan on the Trenton Makes Bridge refers to Trenton Makes, (the Cryptkeeper 5!) The world takes.
-You take day trips to philly to walk on South Street. I <3 Condom Kingdom. Funniest store EVER.
-You have had a near or close call experiences hitting a deer with your car. What do you think the big dent in the front is from?
-Other people dont know what funnel cake and water ice is because everyone else calls it fried dough and slush. It is funnel cake, the boardwalk staple. And I can't believe the rest of the world doesn't know water ice.
-You went "diner hopping" till the sun came up. Michael's. Crystal. Dennys.
-You don't acknoledge that it is tomorrow until either you go to sleep or the sun comes up.
-You know where to buy a katana for less than $50. There's this really cool place down the shore...
-You go on dates to diners and arcades.
-You have empty Wawa half gallon iced tea bottles all over your car and room. Halo Farms is better, but WaWa is damn close.
-You've ever driven around aimlessly for hours with your friends saying "So, whatta we doin?"
-You ever drove all the way to the shore just to walk around for 5 minutes then drive back. Yep.
-Your memories of places all consist of what you did there once when you were fucked up. *coff after into the woods* we were all sober, I think. Again, Dave SAID it was Sparkling Cider...
-One of your hangouts is a parking lot.
-You say "gimme" instead of give me, or "com' mer" instead of come here.
-You know a Chrissy and we all know she's gotten around!
-You know that a "Yield" sign is merely a suggestion. Slow people crossing...hmm, how many points do we get for each of them?
-Thrift shopping with friends is an event.
-You haven't moved out of state soley for the reason you know the food is that bad everywhere else. They don't have WaWa and Halo Farms or Max Cola. I'm going to become rich and famous just so that whenever I need to eat I can jet back here and then leave again.
-You know the one-day sale at JC Penny's really lasts three.
-Every time someone in Hollywood makes fun of Jersey, you're mad and proud at the same time.
-You say "porta reeko" instead of puerto rico, as it should be pronounced. It's not pronounced Porta Reekan?
-You were amazed Moorsetown was on MTV Cribs.
-You know Voorhees used to be known as Kirkwood.
-You're astounded when a friend that moves tells you theres not a Wawa nor CVS withen a 10 mile radius of them. WaWa is one thing, but NO CVS? What do you guys do when you need drugs?
-You think Amish people are amazing.
-Your whole school knows when each water ice place opens, and the line goes on forever! Rita's opens the saturday of Memorial Day with preview day being two weeks before.
-You've slept behind a Wawa.
-You remember Caldor. God. my grandmother loved Caldor.
-You've had a dinner with your friends for less than $3.
-You don't know that in every other state, people get their liscenses when they're 16. damn lucky...
-Everyone you know has had Confirmation but never goes to church.
-You eat at restaurants that have locations I, II, III, IV, and V. Golden Dawn...Michaels...Crystal...
-You get three 50's in a row when you play skeeball.
God plays Skeeball.
You know the real places in every Kevin Smith movie. Hell, I've done the J&SB tour of Red Bank. I hang out in that mall...I've been to View Askew, and I love Jay and Silent Bob's secret stash!

2005-09-05T12:14:00.000-07:00

Right, well, I should be doing an English Essay on Sons and Lovers. And I also should be writting more of Deb's and my collaboration. It's scary how damn similar we are. Like she sent me something this morning, and I had totally gotten the same idea this morning when I was trying to fall back asleep after getting up, taking a piss, chugging a bottle of water and trying to get more sleep.

I get a call from her about two hours later she tells me to read what she's got, and I go and read it and go "damn. That was so what I was going to write. That's pretty damn scary." It's freaky, very very very freaky.

Freaky in an X-files kinda way. Like "wow. And she keeps saying I'm exactly like she was at my age." Which makes it even creepier.

I've been waiting to see if the rest of the people on CinemaJourneyman read my post yet. Make me feel better, please. I just rented the entire Miguel collection. I love that man, he's sexy in a very bogart-esque way. He's not cute, or even HOT, the man just is SEXY. There is a difference between good looking and sexy, I've said it before, and I'll mention it again.

And then there's the fact that he has one of the nicest asses I have ever seen. The man is 50 years old and still has a gorgeous ass. There are guys in my school whose asses come nowhere near as good as his. Bounce a quarter off of it and watch it put another ding in the space shuttle. If anyone resembling someone who's got power over the wardrobe of CJ-STICK HIM IN JEANS! Please!

The jeans and shirt from Dead or Alive, and the leather jacket from Embraceable You and Jump Push Fall. Give me something to fantasize about, will you? C'mon people, make every single Miguel fan's dreams come true (well, not quite, our dreams coming true would be him walking through our front door and going "Where's the bed?") but close enough.

LOL, I just found the rudest, meanest, but truest doctor ever. He's being investigated for making rude comments to his paitents. Sounds like my kinda doc. Seriously, if I'm going to a doctor I dont' want to be told that "oh, you're dying, but don't worry, be happy." I want a doc who'll tell me. "You're dying, save yourself and the world the trouble of putting up with you drooling all over youself and kill yourself." Which is what he told one patient.

It's mean, it's crude, it's rude, but he has a point, he has a point about wanting to save the world the trouble of putting up with you.

'Tis my uber-con side coming out. If your family wants to take you on once you start drooling on yourself, by all means let them, it is their choice, they have every right to love you and raise you and care for you. But don't make it the job of government to do the same if they don't want to. Don't make the government pay for school for children who will never become anything near functional members of soceity.

I'm not saying all retards are like that, I've seen down syndrome kids who can become completely productive members of soceity, I've seen people who've got severely debilitating diseases that can go on and be something. Look at stephen hawking.

Which reminds me of a bad joke:

Why did stephen hawking cross the road?
I was holding a giant magnet.

But those are the people that I have no objections to being helped. The ones I object to the government spending money on are the ones that have no control over any bodily function, can barely say hello, don't even know who their parents are, cannot hold a pencil and yet the government still pays for these children to go to school.

It's a waste of government money. Public school in general is a waste of government money. School vouchers all the way dammit. I'd love to go to the prep school, but I can't. You know why? It costs more to go there than my mother earns in a year. I'm smart enough to get in without a problem. But it's 14000 dollars more a year than my mother makes.

Even if she put every single cent into sending me to that school we'd still need a 14000 dollar scholarship. Now, obviously she can't afford to do that, there's the condo fees which are like a grand a year, food which is about 3 grand a year, bills which are about 10 grand a year...see? I'd need almost a full ride scholarship. And they're not going to give a full ride scholarship to little white girl who's not an amazingly bright student but bright enoguh to get in and who lives in the l-ville. They didn't even give Rashad a full scholarship and he's smarter than I am.

Yeah, I'll post more later, lost my train of thought since I ran out of cheeze whiz. *tear*

2005-09-04T22:21:00.000-07:00

"Have you ever noticed, detective, that there are people in this world who can tell stories, but they're not the ones that write them? People don't grow wealthy or powerful through virtue or intelligence or hard work, though those things do figure in. They grow wealthy and powerful because they know how to take what's in front of them and shape it, and use it."
from Under Suspicion

Very very true. You know where I get most of my ideas? The just in page on ff.net, occasionally fictionpress, but not usually. I haven't ventured there in a very very long time for a reason.

I've grown sick of the gothy annoying fangirls. The whole "I slit my wrists because it's COOL crowd."

I admit. I was one of them. And then, suddenly, I grew up. And realized that hey, being a goth because it's popular really defeats the purpose. That there is a difference between being yourself and being so extrordinarily weird you're conformist. I used to be one of those people that was so hot topic with the ripped shirts, too much fishnet and the spikey bracelets.

And then I realized that I was just as bad as the people that I thought I was rebelling against. That in by being that angsty and attention whorish, and doing that kinda stuff that I was being just as bad as those "lemmings" as I called them and being one of the "lemmings" myself, succumbing to the popularity of the "I hate the world and want to die." movement.

I used to be one of those people that used to stare down at the ground and wonder "why me?" I used to be a person that hated the world and thought that the world hated them. I still hate the world, but now i know that the world doesn't care about me, that in the course of things, if I keep up with that attitude that the world isn't going to care about me, that I have to do something, become something to make the world care about me. And even if the world hates me, I still would have become someone.

Which is a lot more than most of those attenion whores can say about themselves. They're just going to sit there, maybe if they're lucky they'll become the manager of the local Hot Topic, and never get above the same middle class hell that they think they hate. They're never going to get anywhere because well, they think the world hates them and the only thing to do is to hate it back and destroy themselves and everyone around them.

I go back and revist the Rollins quote. "If you hate your parents, the man or the establishment, don't show them up by getting wasted and hitting your car into a tree. If you really hate your parents, out earn them, out live them and know more."

If you really hate the world, don't go out there slit your wrists and go "look at me. I kill myself because that's the cool thing. I'm a cutter because look at how many others of us there are out there on fictionpress!" If you really hate the world go out there and MAKE it hate you back.

Because honestly, the world couldn't care less about you. You are just one of six billion others. One more suicide, one more statistic. No one's going to really care about joe schmoe that committed suicide. Your friends-oh wait, you claim to have none-might. Your family, which you claim to hate and you claim hates you back, might, a bunch of people may show up to your funeral, but once all those people are gone, no one's going to remember you.

But people remember those that made something of themselves. People remember Kurt Cobain even though he killed himself. When Bill Gates dies, people are going to remember him. People remember JFK and RFK, Humphrey Bogart, Jimmy Stewart, Cary Grant, people remember those people for a reason. They went out and made something of themselves. They pushed themselves, did what it took to get to where they wanted to be. So people remember them after their deaths.

Martin Luther King. He followed his dream that he had. He pushed for his dream, he fought for his dream, and we have a holiday in his honor. If he just given in and thought "the world hates me, I hate it." And killed himself, you think he would be remembered? No. Instead he took the idea of the world hating him, of his hatred for the world and spun it into the civil rights movement. He took the worlds hatred for him and showed it, not by being another angry black man, but by being the one that the world couldn't hate.

If you want the world to remember you, if you want the attention, you gotta go out there and make something of yourself. No one's going to care if you go out there and kill yourself. The rest of the nation isn't going to notice. Go out there and make something of yourself and you'll get the attention that you crave. Gou out there and become the next big lawyer, politician, screenwriter, actor, singer. Become something and make the world notice you.

You hate the world? Make it stop ignoring you. You hate your parents? Spite them not by proving you can hurt yourself. Make them feel bad by proving that you're not the trash that they are. Prove that you're above whatever white trash shit you consider them to be and become something of yourself. Rub it in their face when you get the 250k a year job and don't give them a cent of it because they treated you so badly when you were young.

You hate the other people in the school? Make them feel bad when you're the one in your reunion 20 years from now that rolls up in the porsche with the 10 bedroom house in malibu and everything you ever wanted while they're stuck in the same life they were in when they were in high school with their kids being the same people that they had been.

Sure, people remember Klebold and Harris, Cobain. They remember those people. But they're still just statistics, in the long run, that's all they'll ever be, a statistic. Dead rocker. School shooters. Everyone knew Klebold and Harris right after columbine, but it was only fifteen minutes of fame. Sure everyone remembers columbine, they may even remember Klebold and Harris, and that they got picked on, but I'm sure more people would remember them if they took that hatred, channeled it and made something on themselves.

There is something so much more fufilling about crushing everyone around you not by brute strength but by being the person that they never thought that you would be. Watching the look on their face when you wind up being the one that sweeps the floor with them. Watching the look on their face when it suddenly hits them that their pretty faces get them no futher than high school, that their big spotlight on the football team isnt' going to matter in the real world, that the fact that they were cheerleading captain is only something that's going to be remembered in the yearbook and not by anyone not in the school.

Yeah, sure, I'm sure it's increadibly fufilling to mow down every single person that you hate. It's a purely human reaction, wanting to see those that you despise wiped off the face of the earth forever. But isn't it more fufilling to get to see them every single day, being forced to see you be better than them in every way shape and form? Isn't it more fufilling to rub it into their faces that they are nothing compared to you the same way that they rubbed it in yours?

Yeah, sure, being angsty and sucidial may be considered "deep" and "poetic" but really all it is is attention whoring. You can be deep and poetic without going

The world
It sucks
I cut myself
I love the blood
It sooths the pain
I want to die
Kill me now

You can be deep and poetic without doing stuff like that. Look at Rober Frost. Most of what he wrote was nature. But I'm sure nearly every single person on the planet knows the Road Less Traveled. That has nothing to do with death or suicide or cutting yourself or anything. And it is one of the most deepest and poetic things I can think of.

But it has nothing on my two favorite poems by him, stopping by woods on a snowy evening and nothing gold can stay. I'll revist Woods later, but I'll mention Nothing Gold Can Stay simply because it kinda fits in here.

Natures first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold
Her early leaf's a flower
But only for an hour
So leaf subsides to leaf
So eden sank to greif
So dawn goes down to day
Nothing gold can stay

You just have to remember with the whole channeling your hate thing that you have to keep working at it. That if you try to ride your fame, it'll only last fifteen minutes, and no matter what you do have to go down. That no one can be on top forever, that you may be the golden child for a while, but soon enough you'll go down, you'll go down from budding flower to just another leaf.

But constantly striving to better yourself fixes that, constantly trying to be MORE than you are, MORE than your past, that's the only thing you can do to stay on top. It's a dog eat dog world out there and the only way to keep golden is to constantly be fighting the competition.

2005-09-03T22:07:00.000-07:00

FIC!

He sat at the window, staring otu of it, not really seeing anything in front of him. The whole sky was vaugely pink. He hadn't stayed up to watch a snurise in far too long It reminded him just how much of a pessimist he was, having to watch the sunrise just to prove to himself that the sun indeed rose, that it wasn't about to stop simply beacuse it had done so every day for millions of years.

Well, or so it was assumed. Tehre was no way to prove that the sun did indeed rise every day, and it had always risen every day. Tehre was nothing to say that at some point in prehistory the sun didn't rise.

He downed another glass of whisky. He had had far too many, but he didn't care. The music on the radio had switched from angry to calm and collected. He was no longer mad at the world, instead it was a refined anger at something deep inside.

****************

Right, all I had was the first paragraph and then the next two sorta just formed. Just sprang to mind, and well, thought i'd get it down and then see what I can do with it later. I need a laptop, simply so I can do this upstairs and not have to write blindly in the middle of the night having no clue what exactly it is I'm writing or what exactly I'm writing it on.

2005-09-03T15:26:00.000-07:00

Right, so at the moment I'm just typing a lot cause I'm on a whatpulse binge. I love whatpulse, I really do, it's an awesome program, and well, it gives me a reason to type a lot, and keyboard mash and whatnot.

I have a new god in life. Alan Arkush. Yes. Alan Arkush. Remind me to steal and rip hal's copy of Rock and Roll HS, not the actual movie but the director's commentary on it. Cause well, I now love Alan. Because he did that movie AND he does Crossing Jordan, like I said on coffeerooms, he is my new deity.

And I came up with something that would SO be NBC to do for sweeps, and I wouldn't put it past them, if it was pitched to them, to do it either. A week long crossover. Sorta.

Serial killer/rapist. First dead body shows up Sunday at 10 on Crossing Jordan. They track him down to: Las Vegas

Las Vegas epi has the same guy, they figure out who it is and track him down to:

New York. Where he rapes but does not kill someone. Hence the SVU tie.

Wenesday the prosecutors from L&O get involved, trying to get ahold of this guy, he gets out on bail, flees to:

Chicago. Rapes and almosts murders person, the ER crew has to save them. Guy returns back to:

New York, kills another guy, Goran and co from CI figure out it's the same guy, he's caught, tried, gone.

Friday from 7-8 and saturday they can rerun the various bits...cuase there's no way to work inconcievable or three wishes into there. Unless maybe there's a woman on inconcieveable who was raped and doesn't want the kid so she wants to give someone else the fertilized egg or something. I ahve no clue.

But it would be an interesting thing that NBC would try (NBC is the king of gimmicky stuff like that. If they can drop helicopters onto peoples heads and almost have a tank crash into the ER, they can have a recurring plotline that can only be a B plot for every show (except for the L&O's.) I mean it can be the side plot of Crossing Jordan with a more sweeps-esque plot as the main one. Same with Las Vegas and ER. And just have some decently big actor playing the role of the bad guy who appears for 7 consecutive days on TV.

I love ill mitch. He's so funny. Russian guy who barely speaks english given rhyming dictionary and time in recording studio. Hiarious. "Hey ladies fans get in tub I fit in you like a boxing glove." "I have two sides one happy one anger you can ask a stranger Ill Mitch is fast and danger" Classic.

I also have the urge to write a semi-woody/jordan songfic, post jump push fall to Billy Ray Cyrus's could've been me. Lyrics:

I hear you just got married
Took a month long honeymoon
and you were all smiles at the wedding
you cried when you kissed the groom
I got no invitation
Guess the mailman didn't bring it to me
But I see the whole thing in slow motion
Every night when I try to sleep
My buddy John said you looked real pretty
and you acted like you were in love
He said the preacher asked for objections
and he thought about standing up
I told john he musta been crazy
cause you were just about to say i do
but he just gave me a wink and said all he could think
was it coulda been me with you
it coulda been me
standing there with you
it coulda been me
and my dreams coming true
you know dreams move on if you wait to long
it took me til now to see
it coulda been me
I dont guess i ever told you
that I went out and bought you a ring
i even carried it round in my pocket
waiting to say the right thing
i took it out the other day
but the diamond had lost its shine
but i know how it feels cause my eyes grow dim
when I think you coulda been mine
It coulda been me
standing there with you
it coulda been me
and my dreams coming true
you know dreams move on if you wait too long
it took me til now to see
it coulda been me
I know I called just in time to be too late
You know dreams move on if you wait too long
it took me til now to see
it could have been me.

^Tell me that is NOT the most perfect Woody moves on, Jordan moves on, Jordan gets married and Woody realizes he's an asshole for letting her go song. That's going to be what gets done after the collaboration and follow your heart. And english projects. i've started on sons and lovers. sorta. I know what the essay is giong to be. First paragraph is about the first half and how Mr. Morel is a drunkard and an all around not so great dude. Second paragraph is on how Mrs. Morel really hasn't gotten over William, and how she clings to Paul because he's the next closest. And the third is about how Paul can't love anyone cause he's a real Norman Bates, "A Mans best friend is his mother" type. I should stick that in my essay. It'll either gain me a bunch of points or loose them, depending on if I get Ingram or Wilfrid.

Just go "Paul Morel and his relationship with his mother is just another layer of dysfunctionality. He reveres his mother and puts her love above loving anyone else, loving her in the same way as Norman Bates loves his own mother." I will have to include that line. She can't take points off because, well, it's true. It's a very good way of pointing out just how dysfunctional the Morel family is.

It's such a dry book I got the sparknotes for the last few chatpers of it cause I couldn't finish it. I just couldn't. If I read one more sentance I was going to tear my hair out. Apparently nothing else happens except for a little bit of sex and murder.

Anyway, I think I'm going to go play some Katamari Damacy, cause Ilove that game and I've run out of things to say, and I'm in the mood for something very very very very very mindless. And a videogame where the whole premise is to role up the entire world is a very mindless thing to do. I'm tired from band camp (and have to get up to play at 7 in the morning on the first day of school FUCK!) and want to roll over and sleep til wenesday, but i do have work to do. Methinks I'm going to do it all thursday night though. It's not due til friday.

Current mood-Random and tired.
Currently listening to-Jenerators-Sweet Little Angel

Oh, and before i sign off, I've discovered a new quote that is going to be my motto. Previously it was "When the well is dry, we know the worth of water" (which is going to be another tattoo I get. I picture of a well with an empty bucket, with that inscribed above and below it. that and my unicorns).

It's a rollins quote. I've been listening to and reading a lot of Rollins again recently, I just think the man is amazing, very intelligent, very good writer and occasionally in between the horrific stuff that he usually rights (like the cockroach thing, or about killing everyone else on the planet off) he comes up with something very profund and very much something that makes you want to live yuor life by what he writes.

One of those things is his Writing quote which is something that I use a lot, I just put it back in my siggy again, I haven't had it there in a while and it is "If I lose the light of the sun, I wil right by moonlight, candlelight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I will write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always. I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you."

Well, in addition to that quote which I love, I found another one that's very fitting for my mindset. I'm pretty sure it was him on his father, going off on what it was like speaking at the colelge where his dad went and having to put up with all the memories that were associated with it, well this is what he said.

"If you hate your parents, the man or the establishment, don't show them up by getting wasted and hitting your car into a tree. If you really hate your parents, out earn them, out live them and know more."

Very true. Getting wasted is always fun, but it's not to prove something to people. Going out and getting wasted to prove a point only proves that you're an idiot. I wholeheartedly support sex drugs and rock and roll, but there's a difference between being a pothead because you want to be a rebel and being a pothead because you think it's fun. People who go out and become coke addicts because they're trying to prove that they can say screw you are only screwing themselves over.

It's the people that one up the people that they hate by being more succesful than them that really get the last laugh. That's why I've got such high dreams. i wanna get out of this hellhole, but I know that I'm never going to get out of here if I wind up like some of my classmates strung out on this that and the other thing. Don't get me wrong, when I party, I can PARTY. But I know that it's not going to help me get anywhere in life.

I wanna get out of here, and one up every single person that has thought that I'll never make it, show up all this yuppie scum that thinks the world is handed to them on a silver tray by being the one who actually makes it in the world. I wanna be the one who becomes this amazing writer, one ups everyone else thats never going to get out of NJ, one up all that scum from West Windsor who thought I'd just be another one left beind.

They think they're so cool for rebelling against the world and using their 100$ a week allowances to buy drugs, and winding up yuppie cokeheads, another tragic victim of youth. They think they're so cool for showing dearest mommy and daddy that they don't have to listen and they go off and OD on something just to prove that they don't have to listen to their parents.

If you really want to rebel, do it by not being the stereotypical rebel. If you think the world sucks don't be one of those stereotypical bloggers who goes "Oh, woe is my, life sucks, tear, let me slit my wrists. No really, I am going to slit my wrists. Give me attention or I'll do it! I'll kill myself because everyone hates me! I really will do it! *cuts arm* see, blood! I'm a cutter cause it's cool! I'm a cutter because it's the popular gothy thing to do! And everyone knows tha goths are cool because we're all anti-establishment. Wait, I'm just an attention whore, anti-establishment is a larger word than I can comprehend."

No, don't be one of those people. Take that hate and channel it into drive. Channel it into ambition. Channel it into a type A personality and go out there and make something of yourself. Take that hatred for the world, spite for the world and use it in your favor. If you hate the world so much, if you think the world hates you go out there and prove them wrong by making something of yourself. Take that hatred and go out there and become someone great.

2005-09-01T17:20:00.000-07:00

Let's see, random things from band camp:

Low Brass. In general. They were all shirtless. And running around and complaining about, to quote Joel "My nipple is burning for red scare! That's devotion right there" after his bass got stuck on the paint.

And Zach shaving Low Brass into his head. That was amusing.

Haltmeier running up and hugging Jay trying to get him to break attention. Everyone laughing.

"WE GOT HER! WE GOT NEAMAND!"

"We think Neamand needs a hug..." Low Brass-covered in paint. Neamand stepped back and almost ran far far away.

Adam Rivera leaving (What, you mean we don't have the human beachball? shame...)

"Yeah blue nipples!" Low brass, again.

And of course, who can forget, the underwear races. And Sean running and his pants falling down in the process. And hiding Sam and Mills' pants when they came back looking for them. And laughing at Mills winning. "Sam, you were just beat by the WHITEST kid I have ever seen."

Yeah. Its fun. But I hurt. And I'm sunburnt. I want to go back to sleep. But debbie woke me up with the phone. And I told her I'd get her a one-shot. I'll finish up the songfic. Then go read the rest of sons and loves and decide to maybe go get follow your heart and type the next chap. I've got more of it written thoguh, at least.

I'm not planning on being up until 3 am on the phone tonight though, honestly. I can't be. I don't want to fall asleep on the field in the middle of the preview performance.

2005-08-31T18:09:00.000-07:00

Right, so, I just realized last post was only saved as a draft. Sorry, but I haven't blogged in so long...well, not SO long, but yeah, last blog was consNC and I got bored of the political thing. Well, writing about it at least, still big on the political thing, just not the writing about the political thing. I can still post my rants here, so it's all good.

Have an urge to write a Garret fic that involves him+marching band+Alan from my original fic that Follow Your Heart is rewritten to be. I can totally see him and Alan being total rivals in HS because they both wanted to be drum majors and then running into each other. That, and I think Miguel would look really sexy in a white wifebeater dark shorts with either a snare drum or quad (for some reason, I see him more as a quad player than a snare) hanging off of him, beating the crap out of it, lending the funk to the groove.

Garret was so a band geek and baseball player in HS. At least in my mind he is. But when Garret when to HS they probably didn't have a band like Red Scare...Yeah, we're crazy, and fun, and different, and INSANE! Largely due to Haltmeier and Neamand. Nothing beat Zach and Joel tackling Neamand going "We got her! We got Neamand!" in the middle of trying to learn to march. Low brass never can march that well...

I can totally see Garret pacing something out for distance and someone asking how he knew exactly how far it was, and he says it's an 8 to 5 step, four years worth of practice on getting it right. He then procedes to prove it, marching a perfect 8 to 5 step against a yardstick just to prove that he was right, someone asking him where he learned it and him being a little unsure of telling them that he was a band geek. I mean, look at the way he reacted when Jordan posted that pic of him when he was little bashing on the drums.

I really need to get a louder ringtone for my phone. I keep thinking it's ringing and wind up compulsively checking it every five minutes to make sure I don't miss a call...

Right well, I just went and took the Freaktest again, and I'm sorry to say taht actually answering it truthfully dropped my freak percentage to 33%

Ah well.

Spaghettio's are surprisingly unfilling for dinner. I'm hungry again. And it's bad.Cause there's no snackfood in the hosue.

Just got Debbie's reply back to my new imp-of-the-perverse writing. Which is Garret, Nigel and Bug all go to meet with Tim Kring, Alan A and Jeff Zucker to talk about the rabid fangirl problem that plauges CJ...and in the process Garret makes Nigel feel bad because Garret points out, well, Me. And Debbie. But mostly me. Because if you only look at ff.net, I certainly appear to be his most devout fan. At least his most proliific. W00t for shameless self promotion.

Debating on whether or not to go up. I don't think so, I'll go up to watch CJ tonight. But I've got another hour before then. I should get to typing up the next chappy of Follow Your Heart, It's written, just not posted yet. Ah well, it'll get done.

I totally love the idea Debs and I came up with for a new fic though...Garret and Jordan out to dinner, dancing, etc, not on a date, just as friends. We both write the stuff that's just exposition, the two of them getting to the point in the date where they realize that a date wouldn't be so bad. She takes Garret's internal monolouge and I'm doing Jordan's.

You know, that might be how I can fit Alan into a fic. Have him being the guy that's up on stage, Alan comments on how Garret's taste in women has improved, Garret says they're not dating, when Alan sees Jordan drag Garret out onto the dance floor he switches to some sappy romantic song. Cue internal monolouges. :)

anyway, phone's ringing and I know who it is, so I'll blog later. namely tommorrow or later, depending on when I decide to.

2005-08-28T16:14:00.000-07:00

I really have abandoned a lot of blogs. ConsNC and the other one that I had are both registered to this email account. Got bored of political stuff and I don't even remember what the gHb blog was for.

Right, so as for what I'm doing now, I'm listening to the Jenerators, wishing an english teacher would get back to me with what the summer assignment (which I lost) is, and writing a nice little fanfic. Well, more of a nice little fanfic. The rest of Too Much of a Good Thing. It's amazing how a one shot grew to a two-shot into a three part thing. It's going to end with part three, probably.

I've already got two large Garret/Jordan things. This was supposed to be a oneshot of angsty Garret, and it kinda grew because I wanted him to be in the hospital and realize that he almost died and that Jordan does care for him, if not the way he wants her to. And now I'm doing Jordan's POV for it for the last chapter as she tries to think about whether or not she loves Garret, and whether or not to advance from just friends to something more.

I never tried Jordan's POV with that before, I hope it works. And I want to do another morose, cynical drunken Garret thing. Just because well, who doesn't love cynical, morose, drunken garret? Everyone loves CMD Garret. Hmmm...Commander Garret...mental image of Miguel in one of those sexy Marine uniforms. They may be the few, the proud, the psycho, but man do those marines have sexy uniforms.

Now Mike and JOC, YUM. I think I might really have to write that menage a tois fanfic, I just need a titch of a plot to get them all into the same bed. If anyone has any suggestions on how to do that (I can get her into bed with one or the other, it's getting two men into the same bed as a woment that's hard) please tell me.

Ah, I love pure, unadulterated smut. PWP is just so much fun. But I like real fanfic too. I finally got around to reading A Bump in the Night, and well, aside from the fact that amnesia fics drive me nuts, it wasn't so bad. I absolutely despise the idea behind it, but it wasn't done too badly. I mean, it could've been a lot worse.

What else am I doing? Not a whole lot. Let's see, random stream of conciousness blogging to raise my whatpulse keycount. I love whatpulse. I havent pulsed in a few days though, it's giong to screw up my average but oh well. Nigel would so be a whatpulser. Nigel would be obsessed with getting his keys as high as humanly possible in a day. He'd do nothing but mash on his keyboard (does he ever do anything aside from that anyway?) just to get the most keys.

I also want to write that baseball fic, butit's near the end of baseball season. I can so see Garret being an old baseball player. He just looks like it. And I just want to stick him in a thunder uniform. Who cares about the timeline? Who says he had to ever actually play, I like my story. While trying to aviod med school he tried his hand at minor league ball and the first game of preseason he tried to make the highlight reel and wrecked his arm.

Although I do find it amusing that we see no references to just how old Garret is on the show-aside from his rather brusque treatment of Maggie when Maggie thought that she might be pregnant, they treat Garret just like the rest of the cast, I think it'd make him more believeable to mention that he's no spring chicken.

Heh, there's a whole thing on the 'dox about that stupid Jamster frog vs Coldplay and which is more annoying.

Coldplay may be a cheap Radiohead rip off, but they're not bad, they're chill music. Not as chill as Second Story, but still pretty chill. Good stuff.

Yum. Wheat Thins and Easy Cheese=the best snack on the planet.

Aside from that, back to fic, hmm...any other random fic ideas running rampant through my brain? I keep wanting to kill Garret off again. I mean I love him to death, but I love killing him off too. I'd be hung, drawn, and quartered if I ever killed off Jordan, so I won't do that. In my next multi-chap (after follow your heart, the next one's Cherubin) I'm probably going to kill off, or come very close to killing off Lilly. I mean, I like Lilly well enough, but c'mon, if I'm going to have a serial killer murder someone in the morgue, the only one I like less than lilly is Bug. but most serial killers target women.

I do so love writing psychopaths. Living vicariously through my writing. I'm not twisted enough to actually go out there and stick for people in a room, take a gun and make em choose who's life is going to end, but it was so much fun writing Game Theory. Nor will I hold someone hostage in a warehouse make someone who loves her confess and then kill him, but that was fun to write too. And the ending where Garret dies is one of the best things I've ever written. It actually felt as if it came to life, even with my own mental image of the warehouse I could see it happening.

I could see Jordan in the back of that van, clinging on to Garret's hand, and then finally giving him a gentle kiss and zippering the body bag up over his head, crying, stunned. I can see Garret's blood wash away in the rain while Jordan sits out there sobbing. I could see all of that happening, more vividly than I usually can with my writer's eye.

I mean, I can see most of my scenes going on. like I can totally see Garret dressed like he was in Dead or Alive walking arm in arm with Jordan, dressed like, well, Jordan, down some street that's entirely too bright and sunny in downtown Dallas from Someday, Somewhere, Somehow. I can see Garret winning the quarter pitch in We'll Always Have the Beach (which by the way is something I did. Only I have a giant Pikachu. I spent 5$ trying to get another quarter to trade it in for the giant stuffed sylvester. My friend Mike won a giant Scooby Doo at the six flags quarter pitch.)

that's another great plot bunny I have. Somoene dies at an amusement park, and Jordan proceedes to have a lot of fun with that, and goes on every single ride, and drags the whole mourge crew along with her. I can see Garret grudingly agreeing, Nigel loving it, Bug not wanting to be there in the least, and Lilly enjoying it.

Hmm...I entered to win a DW drumset like what Tommy Lee plays. Mum cant' kill me if I get the drumset for free, can she? I wanted to learn how to play drums since the 5th grade. And I still hate her for not letting me. I wanted to play drums more than anything, and what's the one thing she puts down on the music thing? "NO DRUMS." I had begged and pleaded with her more than anything, and she had said yes, that she would let me learn them. I wanted to cry when the music teacher showed me the instrument thing that clearly said NO DRUMS on it with my mum's neat, tidy print. That was the ultimate betrayal in trust. I still use it to win arguements though. "When have I betrayed your trust?" "Fifth grade when I wanted to play drums..." "Oh. Right."

I really should figure out how to play Come 27 on guitar. It's just such a cool song. And I made an avatar using the chorus, it sucks, but it was something I did in about 20 minutes with image ready. I just took a bunch of photos of the Club of 27 and stuck em together with the lyrics.

I really need to either work on my voice or get a band. Cause I really want to do an album. I've got some pretty cool songs. I love Weep (hell, I've written songfic using my own song. I know it's narcissitic, but what can I say?) and I might just do one to After The Fall except that Woody never said he would love her and wipe away the tears in her eyes, etc. The Last Goodbye is not a song made for a songfic, nor is Tincan Rocketship (my attempt to be Bowie)

And the other plot bunny I have running through my mind is a spoof of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas. I absolutely loved the one I did for Rocky Horror and everyone else loved it to. But I've only got a little bit of that written. So far I have,

"Twas the night before Christmas and all through the mourge
Not a creature was stirring, 'specially not a corpse
The paperwork was stacked on each desk with great care
In hopes that it would magically just dissapear
And Jordan was snuggled all snug on her couch
With hope that Slokum wouldn't be such a grouch
And something and something and something and something
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap
When down in the crypt there arose such a clatter
She sprang from her office to see what was the matter."

2005-08-27T22:08:00.000-07:00

Right, so how many blogs have I abandoned?

Figured I'd jump back on the blogging bandwagon. Let's see, let's get the vitals out of the way. I'm a teenager. And no, I'm NOT one of those attention seeking "look at me and if you don't I'll slit my wrists" teenagers. I'm not blogging because I hate the world and am completely and totally anti social because it's the popular thing to be (talk about an oxymoron!). I'm blogging because, well, I'm bored. And when I'm bored my mind wanders.

And this gets to be my penseive to catch all my thoughts, random plot bunnies that run through my mind, and whatever have you. You might want to remember that because odds are there might be at least two or three really random posts that are one, two, three words long, that make no sense to those of you reading it (unless you know me really well, or you're in on an inside joke).

So topic of the day. I'll go with my writing. Nice neutral thing to get aquainted with, n'est-ce pas? I'm really pissed off at the amount of people who AREN'T reviewing Follow Your Heart. I finally get around to writing a Woody Jordan thing and they won't read it. Pisses me off. I mean, c'mon, it's Woody Jordan, pretty good Woody Jordan, and yes, there is an O/C in there, but Shaw, as much as I love him, isn't going to get the girl.

Shaw's not even much of an original charachter. He's equal parts the real Shaw (whose name and appearence I stole. Sorry Gonz, but I had to. You're too cool and hott to pass up) with some of the stories of Greyfox, who if you read Xanga's might know of (Arms, hurry up and write a book already.) and a titch of Mark and Bowman who I work with. But Shaw is mostly Shaw and Greyfox, who are two really awesome people. How many people do you know who love cats so much would move to keep theirs (Shaw) or live in a 10x12 cabin in the middle of nowhere with about 12 of them (greyfox)? Oh, and I stole the nickname of a TA from nerd camp, Stabzy cause his last name is Daggers.

And to Shaw and Greyfox, if you stumble upon this or the fic, Sorry, I know I stole you without permission, but please forgive me? Please?

Right now, let's see, what am I doing? I'm waiting for Debs to get back to me with my newest fic. A semi-songfic. It's a songfic, but NOT. Cause like, you can tell where the lyrics are supposed to be, but I havent used them. If you know Wonderful Tonight, you can totally tell how it follows the song, but the only line I used was "wonderful tonight" So I can get away with it.

I'm also working on another G/J fanfic that uses this song that I found looking up the Ladder Theory, which I debated turning into a fanfic. Nigel and Garret getting drunk and realizing how they're both barely clinging onto the friends ladder and not falling into the abyss after their repeated passes. It makes me want to revist slashy!Garret. It goes along with the idea to write pure smut. I've had a menage-a-tois idea kicking around in my head after seeing the end of some ep where it's Garret, Jordan and Woody all going out for dinner together. Mmm...stick me in the middle of THAT sandwich. Heaven. Literally.

That and that wonderful line from an ep a few days ago, where Rene mentions something about handcuffs. The question now is what would Garret be? Dom or sub? Cause I totally have a mental image of him chained to the bed, but I also have this wonderful mental image of the sweetest torture. Dammit, why did ff.net have to ban NC-17 stuff?

Hmm...I may also have to do a songfic to To Love Somebody. I liked the original and I love the Jenerators cover. They are an awesome band. A scary looking band, but a good band. The worst thing is, there are a bunch of songs that I swear Miguel sings, but I don't know. The one I'm listening to now, it sounds like it could be him, but the voice isn't quite as growly. but Bill Mumy is a tenor and this is down near the bass range. Too Good to Be True, by the way, is the song that's on now. All I have is The Jenerators and the Coral left on the comp, a few bad country songs, and that's it. Working on rebuilding my collection, starting with Shpongle and LemonJelly, and probably moving on to some other stuff I hade like Smile Empty Soul.

Here's another good tune that I swear Miguel sings-What Has Happened Before-there's two versions of it though, like there are two versions of Pussy Whipped, one Miguel sings and the other is Bill. If there is one thing to be said about that man it is that he is the only American with THE VOICE. Patrick Stewart, Alan Rickman, Jeremy Irons, they all have THE VOICE, Miguel is the only American to have it. you know, the one that makes you just melt when you hear it, that's THE VOICE. Miguel may not be good looking in a conventional way, but he sure as hell is sexy. There's a difference between sex appeal and good looks.

Jerry O'Connel is good looks. Cary Grant is good looks. Alan Rickman, Jeremy Irons, Miguel, they are all sex appeal. Bogart is sex appeal. And there is a difference.

I'm going to modify Debbie's version of the perfect man to suit my own needs. The perfect man is tall. Not nessicarily 7'4, but I'd like him to be at least 5'5. He's dark haired and light eyed (green is prefered, there is something sexy about green eyes) He has a taste for good music, namely good jazz, but knows how to rock out at the same time, he knows whats good music and he knows what's fun music and appreciates both for what they are. He smokes. There is something that I find sexy about men who smoke, especially good cigars. He knows good liquor but isn't an alcoholic and strays towards whiskey. He's thin. I have a thing for the heroin chic look. He knows what's popular and isn't a nonconformist on purpose, he just doesn't care if what hes wearing fits in or not. If it does, so be it, if it doesn't, oh well. He can hold an intelligent conversation and knows his stuff, he may not be a genius, but he knows how to talk, and he's knowledgeable-if he doesn't know something he's willing to look it up if he finds it interesting. He doesn't give a damn about being a vegetarian, or doing drugs, or smoking or drinking or skydiving. He realizes that you only have one life to live and while he doesn't purposely try to kill himself, he's not afraid to take risks. He drives one of those big ol' classic cars but doesn't obsess about it. It may be more than a standard car, but it is not his life. And he has a story to tell, whether it's a pointless story or a deep meaningful one (compare, Greyfox and the dwarf vs Greyfox and NA.) He knows how to take a compliment as well as criticism, and he is an entirely stubborn person. He knows where to give you space and how to tell you that he needs his own-and he doesn't enjoy being around you for too long because codependence is bad. Very bad. He's a bad boy with a cyncial sarcastic edge and a heart of gold. deep down he's a nice guy who hides it with sarcasm and a dry sense of humor. Oh, and he must have facial hair.

That, ladies, is the PERFECT man. Now only to find a 16 year old one that fits that description (the only ones I know are assholes.)